Perfectly Fine
by misericordia98
Summary: She adored everything he was and everything he did and she had no other reasons to present to the world. And yet somehow he was never convinced. /New Era KakaSaku/
1. I

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto**

* * *

**I.**

**.**

"I'm perfectly fine." He assured her, matter-of-factly, blinking away the blood that streamed down from his scalp.

"Kakashi-sensei, you're standing in a pool of blood. Your blood."

"But I'm fine."

Sakura was astonished, a sharp hiss of annoyance leaving her chaffed lips. She quickly glanced behind the thick stem of the tree they used to hide for the moment and was relieved to find no one approaching or within their range. Then she proceeded to heal the stinging scratches on her forearms, thoughts racing.

They had a rough fight a few minutes ago, but this terrain limited their abilities and it was unfamiliar, on top of everything. She's never been this deep in the woods, much less in the very heart of The Land of Woods. They chased a notorious rogue ninja known for stealing powerful and valuable scrolls all the way to the Woods, but he slipped away. Again.

Whoever he was, because all she could discern was a dark cloak and a scarf that hid his face almost entirely, he was fast and used unknown to them techniques. Probably forbidden and stolen. No one could fool Kakashi so easily. Or heal with such speed without using any visible techniques _or _seals to do so. It all happened as he fought and her guess was he had a way to manipulate his chakra in some odd, unnatural way.

Her guess was, that was some annoying missing-nin that was not half as good without the items he'd stolen and was most insolently using for such a big amount of time. Clearly, he had survived so far because of his tricks and because the things he stole weren't as important to any of the Kages to get concerned in some way. The additional techniques made him surprisingly hard to catch, especially when he fought as ferociously.

The problem was not that he was a great opponent or something, the problem was that no one wanted to do the job. And that mindset led them to the position of essentially underestimating him. That kid surely wasn't kidding… Sakura puffed. He was determined to fight to the death. And then they get stuck into this infinite loop of getting hurt because they don't mean to kill him because they were always too careful. They were almost sure it's a kid who they're up against, but he… had no mercy or scruples whatsoever.

"I am not missing my chance." Kakashi pulled out two kunai daggers as he spoke, his breaths a bit ragged. "Not when we're so close to capturing him."

"Can't really see that happening, except if you don't plan on collapsing in the middle of the fight." Sakura retorted, teeth grinding with anger. He was asking for it, wasn't he? The chakra in her body tingled, slowly flowing its way to her now tightly curled fists.

"We are going after him. That's an order."

Kakashi glanced at her, up and down, then back to his kunai, lifting his right hand up against the light in silent observation. The faint sunbeams seeped through the tree crowns and highlighted the dark drops that streamed down and fell on the grass. The bloodstains were everywhere, his wrist, his sleeve, his chest… the fabric was slightly ripped apart. Sakura was tensed and still, following the line of his gaze too. It increased her anger all the more.

One thing was to be on a mission with Shikamaru, (which, thank all gods hadn't happened to her lately due to his current position as the Hokage's advisor) since he couldn't care less for himself and often enough seemed to forget about his own place in the many equations in his head.

She didn't have to get used to _him_, though, or any weirdo that the venerable Hokage decided to send her on a mission with, she had to get used to Kakashi Hatake because Naruto trusted only the two of them for S-rank missions that required a precise skillset. Which was, stopping a wild teenager on the loose without doing him no harm and returning the stolen artefacts.

After the first time in which Naruto experimented, sending both of them, they turned out a successful combo, but that didn't mean Sakura was overly excited about those missions or less fed up with Kakashi's demonstration of absolute indifference when it came to fatal wounds or situations with an unpleasant outcome. She was vexed beyond measure with his behaviour. In fact, she was vexed with him as a whole, she was vexed with him since before she graduated from the Academy.

"I am not under your command on this mission. We are equals."

"But I am your sensei."

"Yeah, but that's kinda not relative anymore, I'm twenty-seven." Sakura narrowed eyes at him.

"Uh," He caressed his forehead tiredly, "well, I'm forty so you have to obey me, I'm older and wiser than you."

Sakura snorted.

"Where'd you come up with all this stuff? You don't even _look_ your age."

Kakashi turned to her, surprised by the nonchalant tone she used.

"I mean…" Sakura ignored his eyes with an uprising, terrible inconvenience, feeling a stream of warmth colouring her whole face. Why did she say that out loud? The situation was messed up anyway. When her eyes shifted on his again, he was still watching her. _Studying _her, to be precise.

She really wished she had ended up with Shikamaru right now.

"I'm forty." He spoke, in a weird, prolonged manner that delivered multiple meanings at once. Now she wasn't sure whether he picked up the last subject they discussed or he had professed the words as a warning. Or a statement of bewilderment.

Because her subtle hint had in no way remained unnoticed. Nothing remained unnoticed for him.

Sakura wasn't sure whether she wanted it to be subtle anymore. There was a flame inside her. More of a fire, actually, that blazed when she first met him. Her teen years and fantasies had whirled wild, but ever-so-straightforward and consistent. They always involved him.

Then her youth, with her many problems and distractions, and then the war. The fantasies diluted, but the notion; the force of attraction she felt all those times he called her, met her, helped her... She thought it's insanity that she had no cure for. Thirteen years older was one hell of a gap. She tried to forget him, coerced herself to play pretend and convinced herself she was content with dating people her age. Hanging out with people her age, enjoying drinks and conversations with them. That was when he became a Hokage.

And then she saw him one night, a night filled with loud celebration and friendly faces, a night she considered a happy one in her life until she had to take the road back to her house. He was walking down Konoha's main street with his cloak of honour and this heavy, melancholic air around him, his visible eye scanning the crowds, wandering and unseeing, and her heart spasmed with a wistful ache.

She was never prepared when her eye caught him meandering aimlessly like that. Where the street lanterns couldn't discard the shadows upon his ghastly form, the moonlight bathed it and relished in his features — the perfect balance of beauty and pain they held, and he was so out of reach at that moment. He was some forgotten god she could never touch or understand, so far and away that she wanted to cry.

All her plans to leave him behind evaporated. No one could possibly replace the intrigue he emanated, the intrigue of his demons. And sometimes, she caught herself wondering about the intrigue of his passions too.

It was wrong.

She sensed there was something very wrong about her… obsession. Because it was an obsession and no man captured her heart the way he had, and the years went by, but she couldn't find it in herself to care. It was wrong that she stepped into her adulthood and found herself calling him, meeting him only with the intent of putting down the urge to hear his even, calm voice that she had somehow grown addicted to throughout the years.

She tried her best to not encourage the slow sinking she felt every time she laid in her bed, in the dark, wondering what he thinks about in that very moment. Every time he called her to his office and asked something of her she lingered there, stealing seconds and minutes of silence after he spoke, just to have more time to look at him and be in his presence.

It was not his indifference that hurt her, but his sharp, wakeful awareness of the desire in her eyes. He often avoided remaining alone in the same room as her, avoided diverting their attention from the business matters, from the work.

When he resigned the position he was so utterly uncomfortable with, their meetings were frequent, but he was uncharacteristically reserved. He's never been cold, she remembered him well through her years of training and on, but he was now, with her.

Her mind understood. Her heart didn't.

And then Naruto, the closest she had ever had to a friend. (Except Ino, of course, but Ino barely had time to speak with her these days, with Inojin and Sai, who needed equal amounts of care) Naruto was such a pain because he seemed to read through her lately, everything she ever felt and thought.

And from his perspective, he was doing a good deed since her brief relationship with Sasuke had ended, well, briefly, and she was in a bad place. Naruto thought that by pairing her with Kakashi on missions away from the village he'd help her in some way. She appreciated it, but that method was downright torturous. A slow-burning stake. She was hurting and Kakashi appeared dreadfully detached.

Forty? Like she cared about that.

"I know." Sakura huffed, and couldn't help the bitter, bitter smile on her lips.

Kakashi tore his eye away from her, sighing heavily. He leaned back on the tree.

"How long do you plan to keep this going?" He asked, without caring to look at her.

Astounded, she fixed on him immediately because he slowly slipped down his mask as he spoke. Perhaps it was harder for him to breathe, with all those wounds. But, by everything holy, she could swear there was a bolt of something electric that surged through her body as she looked at him uncovered like that. A rare sight.

_Wounds, _her mind alarmed and she moved on instinct, all the chakra that she had previously gathered in her hands now proving useful in a completely different way as a soft, misty green illuminated them. And she stepped to him, wresting the two kunai daggers off his grip and throwing them on the ground before proceeding to heal the slashes all over his right arm. That was the easy part.

Sakura made another step, to find herself right against him, her hands hovering over the gash under his heart and the second one that began from the last rib along its length, sideways. She had to wait now. The hard part.

The forest noises were somewhat deafened this deep into the thickets and only the slight breeze remained to disturb the silence, making the leaves rustle with a soothing, natural sonance. A sonance she was obliged to ruin sooner or later. Because her conscience didn't let her have a single moment of peace.

Her eyes went up for a moment, to meet his — the dark, unalloyed steel that she had always loved, and then back down.

"Until I die. I plan to keep this going until I die." She answered sternly, swallowing the thick lump in her throat. Tears already stung at the back of her eyes and she knew he noticed—he wouldn't stare at her as intently otherwise—but she widened her smile.

Her face had probably transformed into a grimace as she tried to keep both ends of her emotional palette simultaneously together and intact. There wasn't any particular reason for her to be so close, but…

"I am not gonna let that happen and you know it," Kakashi said and his hands gently pushed hers away from him.

She couldn't take it. Letting her chance go. Both of them were going to suffer for a long time so why didn't he just let her be close? For once. She didn't ask much of him.

Before he could push her further away, she resisted on continuing with the healing and returned to her place in front of him, stubborn and so profoundly upset that the shattered breath came out of her loudly.

"Sakura—" It was his warning voice, his fatherly voice that she so despised.

"Let me heal you!" She snapped at him, locking her tearful eyes with his and fazing him grandly.

Kakashi stilled, brows furrowing with momentary confusion. He hasn't intended to hurt her, surely, but she was feeling damaged. By all those condescending looks and calm words he conjured, to appease her. Her sudden emotion, which she had no time to consider or control, left him aware of the damage he's doing and she was glad it did. How else was she going to show him the extremities of her affection anyway? All these years… all these years.

He looked away tiredly and let her near again, hands resting at his sides. Sakura stood before him, this time way closer than before. The warm glow of her hands wasn't necessarily needed at this point, the bleeding had stopped, but she didn't care, as long as it provided her a few moments to remember.

She closed her eyes, leaning in; trying her best to breathe in and out as calmly as the heaviness inside her chest allowed her.

Her height was such that she felt his shallow breaths caressing the very top of her forehead and it somehow abated her, it calmed her immensely. Silent tears fell down her cheeks, but she didn't let anything distract her, anything at all. She touched the torn matter of his vest, still not ceasing the soft green emanation of her chakra.

Then she got just a bit closer, her left hand tentatively slipping under his, upwards and stopped just under his shoulder blade.

He could forbid her intrusive motions any second, bringing in common sense in this situation and the liberty she allowed herself to dive in, but he didn't and it was a wonder to her.

Kakashi lifted his hand, to remove his band with one supple motion and she was baffled for one long moment before realizing she had forgotten to fix the bleeding from his scalp. Her hand reached up to him but froze in mid-motion. She hesitated, but then quickly made up her mind and her hand brushed back the hair at the side of his temple, sending a flow of chakra to her palm.

There was a subtle rise in heat in her body as he stared back at her, wired with strong tension. He was fighting a battle, she could tell. Whether to give in to her tenderness or to resist it. But as she peered back in his eyes, the soft darkness of them, it seemed to her that he was tired of resisting. Or maybe it was the touch of her hands that ruined his efforts?

He closed his eyes.

Sakura's lips parted open, but she didn't want to take the risk and just remained motionless and quiet, marvelling at the sight. It was her chakra, perhaps; it had that drowsing, soothing effect on people and she was used to that reaction, but she had never actually seen it from him.

"Alright." Kakashi broke the silence, undoubtedly reluctant. "Alright."

"Alright what?" Sakura slowly lowered her hand, barely breathing with anticipation when he opened his eyes again.

"It's not gonna end well." He breathed out indefinitely, speaking more to himself, but Sakura lit up.

Her viridian orbs were wide with shock. "What is not gonna end well?" The sadness in her was withdrawing like an ebbtide. She finally had hope. A minuscule piece of hope. He had this sharpness to his gaze now, hesitancy of a different sort.

"The stupid thing I'm gonna do," Kakashi announced cuttingly, putting his band back on his head.

Sakura stepped away from him, unsure of how to take his words. She opened her mouth to speak, but he had shifted away, grabbing his kunai daggers from the ground. What stupid thing?

"We lost track of the rogue ninja _and _the scroll he had. No way we're tracking him now when he knows he's tracked. The only way to get him is to wait for him to fail again." He faced her, mask on. "We should return to Konoha and report that."

He seemed to blame himself for it, judging by his tone. She wished to say that it wasn't his fault, but her mouth was dry and she couldn't utter a word. It was _her_ fault. If she hadn't slowed them down with her emotional fit, they could've captured the ninja. After the awkward pause, he turned around and walked away, leaving her hanging.

But… some kind of happiness flickered inside her. His doubt used to tear her apart, but now he agreed on something. She wasn't sure what yet, but it was in her favour nonetheless. Her heart wasn't as heavy as it probably had to be when she took a breath and followed him in silence.

* * *

_A/N: Guess who's still a KakaSaku trash. Yeah. Ok, I have no time for anything and I can't promise great updates timing, but 1) this ship needs more love, 2) I love big age gaps, 3) this was supposed to be a one-shot but it will probably go on for about 8 chapters? 4) I really, really wanted a kind of an unhealthily-obsessed-with-Kakashi Sakura with a version of Kakashi that's kinda less active and more hollow/sad (instead of a dominating daddy, thank you very much) (but still very much sexual lol) fanfic, but didn't actually find something like it for a long time so… gonna write something myself!_

_I got a weird idea a few months ago. It was 4 am. I'll take my chances. (To be honest, this has shaped out to be more smuff than plot. Smh.) Also, this is gonna be hella angsty. Don't say I didn't warn you. Thanks for reading!_


	2. II

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto**

* * *

**II.**

**.**

Konoha had a way of lifting her spirits every time she had been away to a mission or travelling. The autumn wind whirled around the busy streets and people of all ages shuttled to and fro. It smelled like sweetened fruits when she crossed the main alley with a warm smile on her lips.

Kakashi walked next to her like a dark cloud and she could tell his mood had gradually worsened with every hour on their way back to the village. Stealing a glance at him now, he seemed to be far from amused by the view. Just the opposite, he was bitter and bordering on angry. Whatever he was thinking about, she was afraid it was slowly and surely bringing him down.

So she figured it was her turn to exercise her powers.

Ever since the situation in the forest, she was thinking about how she had never actually advanced in her desire before. All she did was wait on him and it occurred to her that if she wanted something, it was up to her to get it. How hard could it be, when she knew Kakashi was so… soft at heart?

At least that's the Kakashi she has known through the years. What he was really like she didn't particularly know, but she figured it wouldn't be too far from what she's seen him be. If he ran away with low defences, then it was her turn to attack. And if he ever blamed her for her incredible war strategies, it'll only be funny since he was the one who taught them to her. Well, not that exact type of strategies but maybe the concepts.

"What are you thinking about?" Sakura boldly brushed her fingers against his palm, making him flinch.

"Stop doing that," He warned in a low voice, distancing himself from her a little and scanning the passers-by in case someone had noticed what's happened.

She trailed after him, with a small smile. Clearly, she irritated him and the fact wondrously didn't make her feel any regrets. At least she had dragged him out of his constant nonchalance. He was bothered now and it brought out some kind of liveliness in him that she rarely saw.

"Or what?" She spoke quietly, her shoulder touching his. He couldn't scare her, his authority had crumbled long ago.

Kakashi didn't comment on her words, headed straight for the Hokage Tower at the end of the road. When she looked up briefly, the skies were a stony grey and it looked like it was about to rain any moment, she hoped she'd get home before it pours down on them. Then her eyes shifted back down and the smile returned to her lips. There was this intriguing phenomenon that she never got tired witnessing when she was on a mission with her sensei.

The citizens never paid attention to a passing shinobi, they had gotten used to the sight — the vest, the kunai daggers, the headbands. Shinobi were as much as part of the village as the shops and the lanterns. But whenever a shinobi caught Kakashi in sight, they stood alert, nodding in respect as they went by.

And Sakura just loved it because Kakashi had no idea how to react to this, he never figured it out for all these years. So when they saw a young group of shinobi leave the Hokage building, upon noticing Kakashi all of them stopped and split up, to make way for him in silence.

The usual wave of inconvenience sifted through him as his he blushed a tad, waving with a hand for them to not mind him as he walked in, doing his best to avoid looking up. In fact, he hunched even more and nailed his eyes down uncomfortably. Sakura smiled at them for nodding at her as well. It wasn't true that the young generations were spoiled, she mused. Maybe the villagers, yes, but not the genin. The genin were just as disciplined as ever.

Naruto nearly jumped when Kakashi opened the door and rushed in, sullen as never.

"Bad news." He announced grimly, and Naruto murmured a quick _I figured_ after that, eyes bouncing from Sakura to Kakashi and back with sparkling curiosity.

"He escaped again, didn't he?" He sighed, leaning back in his chair, hand passing over his blonde hair absently. "That guy's carrying some dangerous stuff that belong to Konoha. We're not the only ones that he steals from, other villages want a claim on him as well."

Naruto shook his head.

"It's weird because he doesn't seem to kill anyone," Sakura stepped up, folding hands, "he just gathers some pretty powerful artefacts for himself. Who knows what he's planning to do with them."

She held Naruto's livid pair of eyes for a second, then he looked to Kakashi with some slight worry on his face. The latter was staring at a point on the floor without moving an inch. A little stung, Sakura looked at him as well, and the pause extended.

"Kakashi-sensei?" Naruto asked, carefully, and Kakashi looked up.

"What?"

"Uh, thank you for trying to track him down, you two should go rest now. I'll send you back out as soon as we receive some kind of information. Promise."

Kakashi nodded and slowly walked out of the office. The door clicked shut after him and Sakura raised a hand to stop Naruto from speaking first.

"It's fine." She assured him, stepping back. "Thank you for being so understanding, though. Not asking how we managed to miss that guy for a second time." She paused, her back leaning on the door and her features twisting with a grimace. "It was my fault this time and I am not proud, but I thought you'd want to know."

"Your fault?" Naruto raised a brow.

"It's complicated." She shook her head, fingers groping the door handle impatiently. The need to go out was burning her from the inside, but she owed him an explanation. The man they were chasing was a genuine missing-nin and he decided to do anything insane, it was going to be her fault entirely. Yet, all she could think of was… how to catch up with Kakashi.

"I see," Naruto's eyes narrowed at her strained posture. "You know what, you can tell me about it tomorrow. I've got some work to do." The words hung in the air as he measured her, clearly curious. He gestured at her to go. "Glad you two are safe."

"Me too," Sakura sighed with relief and with a nod disappeared behind the door.

* * *

The streams of people she found outside the building confused her senses for a while, she couldn't quite find the one she was looking for in the beginning, but soon she noticed a familiar tint of hair in the crowd and smiled, hasting forward.

Her cheeriness abated a little when she finally caught up and kept walking beside him, in his pace, mostly focused on his face. From her experience with Sasuke, she learned to read moods through expressions very well. Not to mention that she became inhumanly patient as well, so Kakashi's silence wasn't bothering her at all.

What bothered her was seeing him so disturbed and it scared her that he could run ever farther away from her or hide or back away. That's something she could predict with Sasuke. Kakashi was way more complicated because he had spent all this time perfecting all there was to perfect.

Sasuke was harsh and abrupt, and somewhat unruly, and it attracted her immensely. That's what attracted all her coevals as well back then. When she grew up, she understood that's not what she truly wanted. All the things she wanted, it took her a while to figure them out, one by one. Until she gathered them all together and constructed the image of someone she actually knew.

He's been there all her life and she realized it early, but the problem was, they came from two entirely different worlds. She could never imagine the heart-rending sorrows he's gone through and likely, he could never imagine leaning to her as well. To him, she had probably been someone small, mostly fragile and powerless, that he had to teach and protect and advise.

It wasn't fair, she knew that much. It wasn't fair to ask of him to change his point of view, but... She adored everything he was and everything he did and she had no other reasons to present to the world. And yet somehow he was never convinced. She adored how secure she felt with him, adored how calm and caring he was and how he seemed to exist out of any standards, in a division of his own.

She needed to get into his head, remove the thousand shackles from whatever kept him from being happy and paint some colours in there. The things that he's seen had left him devastatingly colourless.

"Where are we going?" She asked timidly, hands in her back as she obediently trotted after him and admiring the way he effortlessly walked in-between, against the flow of people.

"To Amaguirama. We have to talk."

The curt and dry announcement made her furrow a little. That admonishing tonation was fairly familiar to her and she couldn't help but let out a sigh. He's talked with her before, about her aspirations concerning him, and it was always brief, discouraging and hurtful. Also, pointless. She was still very much fond of him — before the speech, during the speech and after it.

They entered the cafe and she couldn't help the little smile when she saw the recognizable faces behind the high glass counters. This place was still the same as it was in her childhood years. Nothing changed and she was glad of it. One of the few things that survived the war and kept thriving.

The table close to the window wasn't occupied so they took it and send away the waitress. Then they stared at each other. Sakura wondered whether she had to be the one to start the conversation, but then again, she had nothing to talk about and nothing he could say could change her mind. So she remained quiet and waiting in anticipation.

Kakashi wasn't particularly calm either, his fingers absently drumming on the table surface and his brows in a slight furrow.

"You mentioned the word _talk_ as far as I remember." Sakura put her hands together on the table.

Kakashi appeared distressed without her inciting remarks, but now his skin paled tangibly. Apparently, he wasn't feeling particularly well, having to talk about that this time around. She bit her lip a little, her mind wandering off to the scene in the forest. Her breaking down into tears seemed to have affected him in some way. She hadn't done that before.

It wasn't intentional or pre-planned, as she now thought about it, but she just felt like it at that moment. And he was so delightfully fazed at this whole situation that she found herself staring at him again, admiring one of these pits of helpless confusion he sometimes fell in, where he appeared completely lost and unsure. It was so heart-wringing and beautiful at the same time. If she had to be honest, her presence usually brought that mixture of emotions on him.

"Sakura, I promised to keep you from any harm and that includes your being delusional." His voice came out tired, with a little drifting tint to it.

He always sounded somewhat sad. It made her stomach tumble with uneasiness.

"That's not the word I'd use." Sakura shrugged, interjecting right away. "I'd say _hopeful_. And as far as I know, hope isn't dangerous."

Kakashi withered at her words, looking down at the table. He didn't know how to continue. Why bother opening up the same conversation over and over again, then? It seemed like giving in was the hardest thing for him to do and she couldn't put it into her head. There were plenty of reasons for him to stay away, all rational and commonsensical, yes, but he still stood his ground ferociously, like his life depended on it. That was odd.

"Aren't you… at least curious?" Sakura leaned in, with a mirthless smile. "What it'd be like if you stopped resisting?"

"You don't know what you're asking of me." Kakashi leaned in as well, lowering his voice so that only she could hear.

"I do." Sakura refuted, with a hiss. The sudden emotion that waved through her created a lump that she spend the next seconds trying to swallow. Maybe she didn't have to hide what she felt anymore. It was time to stop speaking in metaphors and glances. "Does keeping me from harm mean making me miserable?"

"If that's the price for your safety, yes." Kakashi was ready with a firm reply and she regretted asking in the first place.

Sakura pursed her lips, but her blurring eyes remained strictly on his. He surely had to know how much pain he caused to both of them. How much pain he has been causing them for months and months on end.

"And what about you?"

Kakashi gave her a half-surprised, half-defensive look. It was a little comical, how he was highly alarmed when the focus was shifted on him as he spent a lot of his time indirectly convincing people he didn't want that focus or the attention it brought. "What about me?"

"Am I making you miserable?" Sakura leaned a little more, voice softer than before, and he instinctively backed away, his bewilderment growing even more.

He avoided her eyes. It intrigued her deeply, she could give everything to know what he was thinking about. If only he could speak so that she'd know once and for all.

"Of course you don't."

"How do you feel about me then?" _Do I repel you, do I make you angry or…_ She took a sharp breath, pressing her lips together. Did he feel anything at all at this point? Maybe people like him just couldn't take risks at some point, maybe he had passed his point of breaking and now just skimmed over his life's surface mindlessly because something more would require mental strength he didn't have anymore. A single effort more would hurt. It looked like it from aside.

There was no point in asking, though, interrogation didn't work on him. He was locking up and shutting off, even more, when someone applied pressure.

Sakura knew where his worries lied. Well, at least some of them. If it became apparent that they're seeing each other in any other way than professional, everyone would question her reliability from then on. Question her skills, her mental state, question every aspect of her life and so would they question his. Especially his.

Because he was in the most convenient position to take the public blame, the accusations and the tags to whatever she offered to turn him into. He was an easy target — the forty-year-old bachelor who read suspicious literature and lived alone. And then… the young, innocent and exemplary chief of the Konoha Hospital. _The poor girl_ that suspected nothing before being assaulted by her mentally unstable teacher. _The poor girl_ that he had taken advantage of. She'd probably never come out as the reason, she'd always be the victim.

Sakura had been thinking about it for years and never actually stopped thinking about it. However she twisted the story, it turned out terrible and depraved and absolutely misconstrued. She was conflicted, but it just left her with no choice. If she couldn't have him happy, then what was the point of the positive public opinion and image? She needed nothing but to see him happy. Even if it's once. One day. An hour. Just… once.

"So you're just going to leave me... like that?" Sakura slightly extended her hand and her fingers almost closed around his thumb before he recoiled, frowning at her.

"I don't mean to make you suffer. I've made my decisions long ago and I'm living the life that I've chosen to live. You can't change anything in it." He stood up, speaking just as calmly as ever.

Sakura stood up as well, to use her chance to retort before he walks away from the table.

"Fine, but just remember that you're welcome." She whispered, finally able to wrap her hand around his wrist. If she had learned anything in her life of medical ninjutsu, it was that gentle physical touch reassured and calmed people immensely. If not, then they had serious problems. Fortunately, Kakashi stopped in his track and didn't oppose her. "Anytime. You only."

The sadness that washed over him sent a spasm through her heart. She just couldn't understand. "You said_ alright_." Her intonation climbed up a little and her words sounded more like a question, amidst the desperate sonance they gave out. What did he expect her to do with that word?

"I know." He removed her hand, his voice never as quiet. "But on my way to Konoha, I had some time to think and… what you're asking is impossible. I can't do it. For too many reasons."

Sakura parted her lips open. It was somewhat cruel of him to bring her hopes up like that, but she wasn't mad at him, oddly enough. She could never be mad at him.

"I'm sorry." He reached for her shoulder, but quickly recoiled and gave her bitter smile before leaving. Of course, touching her would convey all the wrong meanings.

She watched him take away and slipped back on her chair. At first, she felt like someone had punched her in the gut and she fought tears, trying to get a grip on her emotions, but after a while, it occurred to her… her persistence gave results. If his convictions had faltered, even for a brief moment, then she had to keep going.

Just keep going.

* * *

_A/N: Thanks for reading! Wow, now that I look over the drafts of my chapters, this has turned out to be pretty dark. Sorry in advance lol _


	3. III

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto**

* * *

**III.**

**.**

"Hey. What's wrong with your eyes?"

Sakura flinched at the sudden voice in her room and raised her head to see Ino glamorously leaning on the threshold of her office, in a white overall and with a little flowerpot in her hands.

"Oh, uh… didn't get much sleep last night." Sakura waved with hand and closed the documents she was done signing. She noticed the colourful set of tiny flowers in her friend's hands but had no idea what they were. "What's that?"

"Just something to brighten up your dreadfully unhappy office."

"It has colours alright!" Sakura protested, but Ino's meaning look made her chuckle. "Yeah, I know. Thank you for the flowers, Ino. Appreciate it."

"Don't make it all dramatic, it's just flowers." Ino left the pot in the corner of Sakura's desk with a quiet grunt. Then her icy gaze remained on it for a while as if estimating whether it fit the interior. "So, what medical help did you say you need?"

Sakura stood up with a creeping smile, putting her hands together like an evil genius, and it made Ino raise a brow.

"I call it the MMR party."

Ino rolled her eyes. "Screaming infants all day. Gotcha."

Sakura shrugged. "I set this day for MMR and TD vaccines in the hospital. Lots of people will be coming our way and I need all the medics I can get."

"Right." Ino squinted. "Let's get to work, then. You'll gotta tell me what's with those violet eyebags sooner or later, though. Can't run away forever."

"Huh?" Sakura turned to her with surprise.

"You ain't gonna tell me what's going on? Are you alright?" Ino put her hands on her hips and stood at the door.

"There's nothing to tell. I was just overthinking things. I'm fine." Sakura gave her an honest look and another authentic shrug to go with it. Not a lie, but not the entire truth either.

Ino stared at her continuously until she let out an annoyed puff and moved away without asking any further questions, of which Sakura was grateful. However, Ino waited for her to leave the room and hooked her hand around her arm, starting to babble about Inojin's MMR experiences and how she discovered Sai's terrible discomfort around needles and how she ended up having to calm down Sai instead of Inojin, which was equally funny and tragic itself.

Ino only hooked their arms like that when she tried to distract her from something or make her feel better. It brought a smile on Sakura's face. Nevertheless, not many things could distract her from what happened to her last night.

* * *

_It was a bad habit that she never got rid of, nibbling at her nails when something was gnawing at her enough to have her turn into a nervous wreck. It was even worse that she had to face the silence of her apartment, the quiet minutes she had to spend under the shower and the darkness of her bedroom when all the lights were out._

_Her body refused to relax and let her sleep, she was curled in a bundle under her sheets with her eyes wide open and her mind as troubled as it usually was at this time of the night. She had no idea how to deal with this state of mind so she just let it seize her completely. _

_Sakura lied awake for a long time, thinking and overthinking, and amidst the deepest fear and wonder… If she couldn't have what she wanted all her life, then what was the point? What would become of her? Was she going to become a hollow shell of a person and wait for her life to end? Was that what people did in her place? __What did people even do in this situation? _

_The questions flowed through her mind ceaselessly, each of them more and more worrisome, until her lungs didn't start struggling to keep up with the heavy weight and the suffocation in her chest. _

_Then her breath suddenly hitched. There was a strange, shadowy silhouette in the reflection of her dressing table that she noticed just now. It was behind the window, perched on the sill and… watching._

_She abated, freezing in her place. Her breaths shallowed and her heartbeat gradually increased. That wasn't a bird of prey, she knew the splash of wings would've given it away long ago. Such soundless observation was a trait of many, but a gift of few in this village. Stillness and silence merged to perfection. _

_Could it be that her tired mind was making up mirages? _

_Her heart pounded loudly in her chest and she squeezed the blanket, unsure whether she wished to turn around or just pretend to be sleeping. _

_When she finally decided to turn around, there was nothing on her window anymore. She slowly stood up from her bed and walked to the window, where she looked outside and found the street and roofs desolate. Her palm raised up to touch the glass thoughtfully._

_What happened in his mind?_

* * *

"Shh, it's alright. It's alright." Sakura was furrowing sympathetically to the small, fluffy ball of a human she was currently vaccinating as it cried its lungs out. The mother was just as worried, but it wasn't like Sakura could do much about it.

The vaccines were standard procedures and it was obligatory to go through them. It was the early afternoon and all the medics were busy handling the noisiest part of the population. Ino was right next to Sakura and did her best to remain professional, but it was starting to get really tiring when screams were all they heard and the patients didn't seem to have an end.

"Maybe I should extend the vaccine term to more than one day," Sakura spoke out-loud, for Ino to hear through the next one in the open line of nooks they operated in. Sakura just opened the curtains to hers, so that she could invite the next infant in and so did Ino. "It's hellish."

"You know," Ino stepped to her nook with a sigh. "You could've stayed in your office. You're the boss."

"No… I can't possibly lie around when there's so much work." Sakura's voice was absent as her eyes scanned the glass wall across them, separating them from the hospital's main lobby.

"Good afternoon," Ino greeted the mother who timidly crossed Sakura's nook and carefully handed to Ino her baby. "Look at you! Goodness, mine was half the size." Ino was terrified, apparently imagining having to give birth all over again.

"I'm married to an Akimichi. I had time to mentally prepare myself." The woman confirmed with a chuckle that infected Ino as well. But Sakura's restless eyes caught a tint of silver in the mass of people coming in and out of the hospital, and she jerked back behind the curtain with some kind of chilling wave washing through her.

Ino's laughter died out when she noticed her friend's pale face and she smiled at the woman. Sakura forgot about having to take care of the vaccine for one long moment, staring at the tilted white floor, while Ino did it instead of her and sent the woman away with some advice Sakura couldn't quite hear.

Sakura fearfully looked up to see Ino shifting her icy gaze from something in the distance to her shrunk friend with deep confusion. She slowly pulled the curtains to assure them a little privacy and folded hands, staring back at Sakura most inquisitively.

"Overthinking, my ass." Ino blurted out.

"Ino, it's nothing like this." Sakura's hands raised up with a defensive gesture. "I-I just…"

"Alright, I know he's always been dad material, but he can kinda be your dad as well. But hey," Ino raised her intonation, nodding more to herself, "I'm not judging, the guy's handsome _as hell_. Is he as good as the legends say, though?"

"Ino!" Sakura hissed, a flush splashing on her face as she saw Ino shrug remorselessly.

Ino was silent for a moment, then she sighed heavily. Her amusement was replaced by thoughtfulness.

"That crush you were talking about when we were teens but never told me the name of?"

Sakura remained speechless, looking at her at a loss.

"The reason you split up with all those crazy hot dates I arranged to you?" Ino went on, counting on her hand and observing Sakura's complete faze. "The excessive amounts of missions you volunteered to while we were under the jurisdiction of The Sixth?"

Ino stopped, waiting for a reaction and Sakura just put her hands in the pockets of her overall, nodding with sadness.

"Girl, you have to do something about this." Surprisingly, Ino's tone wasn't as mocking as Sakura could have expected. It was more on the sympathetic side.

Sakura shook her head, quickly putting a lock of hair behind her ear. "H-he doesn't want to discredit me."

"You sure that's what's going on? How about the other way around?"

"Yeah, that too. Doesn't matter, it's the same dead end." Sakura moved absently, cleaning the small hospital table in front of her.

"And what if it's neither?"

Ino's brainstorming questions were a usual occurrence, but this question got Sakura unprepared and she stopped her motions, green eyes up in wonder.

"What do you mean?"

"What if he cares for neither of those things and the problem's somewhere else?" Ino shrugged again, stepping back. "I'll go to my place, we'll talk later." She waved at her and Sakura remained motionless, the thoughts in her head running wild.

Where, then? Ino was completely right and she felt like an idiot for not assuming the possibility earlier. The compromising scenario was a little too perfunctory to be the whole truth. She had been wrapped up in it for a long time, forgetting that the reasons for their rupture could lie somewhere deeper.

But if she was ready to accept everything, why couldn't he?

* * *

Kakashi didn't expect it to be such chaos on his way in. TDs were made once in ten years, as far as he knew, and that's why now he was utterly confused to see dozens of adults and even more dozens of infants rushing about in the Hospital.

He slowly made his way to the examination ward where he had to awkwardly get surrounded by an excited group of five-year-olds. Fortunately, a familiar face met him soon enough and saved him.

"Kakashi-sensei!" Ino greeted with a cheerful smile, while he tried to not let the uneasiness of being in a loud crowd change the composure on his features. "The kids really love you. Who doesn't?" Her careless remark had him fix his eyes on her in time to see her wink at him. Before he could find the right words to say to this oddity, she continued. "So, TD vaccine, huh? Come with me."

He followed her silently, unsure whether he wasn't in the wrong to want to escape the five-year-olds in the first place. Ino… if she was here, then did that mean— Ino pulled the curtain and revealed a concerned father and Sakura, holding a baby in her hands in the middle of a quiet conversation.

"TD booster shot," Ino announced solemnly, like she was introducing him.

It was an interesting sight, but it stung him. Sakura was one of the few that still didn't have any children and deep down, every person in Konoha who knew her agreed that she was a natural when it came to kids. He was certain that she'd make a great mother, but it seemed like she didn't head that way when all others did. It seemed like she didn't want to, even now, when she was close to thirty, and he had a vague idea why.

Sakura's calm expression shifted into shock when she noticed the newcomers and for a second she didn't move, looking at Kakashi, but then she came to her senses, returning the baby to the father and gently pushing him away with a quiet apology.

"I have a 3-year-old waiting for me." Ino slid to her side right when she saw Sakura attempting to speak out loud.

"Right." Sakura murmured, scowling at her friend. He noticed her hand shaking when she smoothed out her clothes and faced him with a smile. "She's… sorry about that."

"Doesn't bother me." He assured her, sitting down on the chair she invited him to sit on.

"TD boost?" Sakura raised a brow while preparing the clean needle.

"I get cut and wounded a lot and your public declaration a few days ago reminded me I hadn't had one in a long time."

"Did you ever get a boost in the first place? I've been in this hospital for an eternity and I don't remember you ever coming to get one."

"I did," Kakashi replied, the skin around his eyes crinkling a little. He couldn't help the condescending smile that appeared on his lips. "You don't remember because you were sixteen."

Sakura opened a silent pause and he glanced at her — she was thoughtful and a lot more tired than usual. Her hands shifted with the obligation, but her mind was racing with distant recollections, somewhere far and away. Head slightly tilting, she sank in deeper and her voice came out quiet.

"I was learning from Lady Tsunade back then, yes."

It was one of those moments when the prideful thought ran through his mind and he stifled it down at once — that she wasn't just a part of Team 7, sixteen was around the time when she decided to quit playing around and become a worthy opponent, a fearsome foe and an indispensable ally. She grew rapidly then, she changed in her very core and he saw it with his eyes. It wasn't just her, though, it was the whole team that grew together. He was overjoyed they overcame all the madness that tried to bring them down.

He pulled his sleeve up absent-mindedly, to reveal the upper part of the shoulder.

Sakura turned around and neared him, but froze in place with a slight alarm, eyes resting on the currently exposed ANBU mark on his skin. She was aware he killed a lot of people, wasn't she? He did need that shot, but showing her that tattoo was something he was glad happened as well, somewhere in-between her attempts to convince him of things he didn't believe could ever work.

Like that idea she planted inside his head a few days ago.

Sakura shook off the surprise and stepped closer, disinfecting a small spot on his skin before preparing to use the syringe. The only problem was that she was visibly shaking. The seconds passed and she tried her best to steady her hand, but to no avail.

It was a bittersweet sensation, to observe her struggle like that because her whole body exuded confidence and strength, and experience, but her eyes betrayed her. They coruscated with a vacancy that just affected him deeply. Maybe because he knew it was in his power to fill in that vacancy with joy if he only wanted to. If he only chose to.

The youthfulness in her eyes had withered and she appeared profoundly sad. Especially now, when her trembling upset her in a matter of seconds and she backed away with a small sip of breath, to fight for another chance at doing her job. Her stoic expression pained him greatly.

Kakashi reminded himself it was not in her favour (or his, for that matter) to intervene, but the urge was stronger and he reached for her hand, closing around it to stop it from trembling. She was way colder than he expected, but he decided it will calm her down if he remains still for a few moments.

Sakura's eyes widened a little and the spark of life in them gleamed right away, suddenly shifted up to his with a hopefulness that only enhanced her beauty. Her face was heavily flushed by the time he let her go.

"Try again."

That's what he kept saying all these years, didn't he? Shouldn't be something that she'd forget, but it seems she needed the words anyway because she smiled a heart-warming, blooming smile that with a reason unknowing twisted something inside him. She murmured a quick _Sorry _under her breath.

As she proceeded to finally give him the vaccine, he struggled to find the reasons why he was going through such mental torture. His convictions were firm and unchangeable, and he had no doubts about them. But then again, Sakura easily shook his foundations whenever he saw her suffer.

_(At night.)_

He held onto everything he believed in for years, but when he saw her absolutely broken-hearted and in tears over him, it didn't seem right anymore. Any of it. He was torn between what was right and what could bring Sakura to life again.

There was nothing more that he wanted than to see Konoha safe and prospering, and his students alive and well at this time of his life. Naruto was doing great. So was Sasuke, so far. But Sakura was just burying herself alive and it was his fault.

No, he couldn't… It was wrong.

That everything and everyone conspired to make it harder for him to resist giving in to selfishness was another matter entirely. He was too proud to admit he liked being around her. Loneliness was something of a second-skin for him, but it seemed to lift off him whenever she was near.

Because she cared.

Because she noticed the details. She didn't just mechanically salute him on her way past him. She wasn't like Sasuke and Naruto or anyone of their generation, who looked up to him like he was somewhere far, on a pedestal of honours, and was entitled to remain there forever. And she never gave up on him, whatever words or actions he had used to eliminate her hopes. Her affection was untouchable.

"You're good to go." Sakura chimed, smiling at him with her thin, pink lips.

She was delicate like glass and truth was, so many things have crumbled down in his life that he was beyond convinced at this point. If he so much as reached out for her, she'd end up like the rest of the people he loved. The pattern was so clear and so consistent that he didn't even question it anymore.

"Thank you." Kakashi tore his eyes away from her and hurried to leave, without looking back.

* * *

_A/N: Thanks for reading! I might be a little late with the fourth chapter, just so you know (*angst intensifies*)_


	4. IV

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto**

* * *

**IV.**

**.**

The morning was chilly and loomingly dark when he drowsily pulled the blinds over his bed and, with a sigh, bundled in his sheets once again. Between the headaches, the weird dreams, the heat waves and the sexual frustration he figured he'd probably have to find a way to fill his bathtub with ice and lie in it for at least half an hour to come to his senses again.

It was so much easier to convince himself he had all he ever wanted before. Now that he knew there was a loophole, his subconsciousness had become the catalyst of all the things he pent up and he feared it just piled up with every night he spent trying to throw away those obsessive thoughts.

It was like a heavy anchor that pulled him further and further down, and his mind seemingly tried to compensate with the images he saw during the few hours he was asleep. The hours when he wasn't were filled with tossing and turning, as well as a burning desire he couldn't quite discard or ignore.

Well, it wasn't like he hadn't been through worse, but it really started to bother him. His mind had gripped the life-belt on the surface of it all, the common sense that questioned his stupid reactions and sleeplessness. The rest of him wanted a change. The rest was keeping him awake and drowned him in doubt.

It was almost like a chorus of voices, pulling at him from all sides, with all sorts of endless remarks and questions that he didn't know how to stop. They were flowing through him until his head throbbed with an ache.

What did he really need? Was it the attention? The understanding? The warmth?_ (The pleasure?) _The conflict was very much real, between the memory of her being twelve and the current reality of her being nearly thirty and breathtakingly beautiful. Each time his mind drifted off to wondering how she'd feel like, spasm of anxiety attacked him.

What did she need? What could he give? Nothing, really. What he had, he gave already. He had nothing left. What did she want him for? Didn't she have any other options? Was she truly delusional? Could be. She was prone to excessive emotional outbursts since she was little. And him? Did she even begin to know what he was like? Did she know what he's seen and where he's been? More… than a decade apart. There was some kind of insanity to the thought of the deep fondness she demonstrated for him and he was at a constant wonder. Why?

Kakashi got out of the bed and went straight to the bathroom, punishing himself with the icy water that poured from his shower. It was deeply unpleasant and he shuddered, but it distracted him from the headache and the need to touch himself. He didn't even know whether he was mentally ill for chasing pleasure as often or it was just because he was forty and his body was going teen-crazy all over again.

It was going to be another long, long day.

* * *

His steps echoed quietly in the vacant scenery, the graves lined up in a frustratingly calculated order, one after the other. It was probably supposed to bother him that it was highly probable that he had been coming to this place more than any other person in this village. The thought was starting to get funnier and funnier the more he repeated it in his head. And then it became downright hilarious because it was true and because this whole situation had truly turned hilarious. That in order to go talk to his friends and family, he had to come here.

Kakashi couldn't help the hitch of breathy laugh that came out of his mouth, like the air in his lungs tripped and fell under the invisible pressure in his chest.

He really hoped Obito and Rin were having a great time together because he sure wasn't as of late. And he really wanted to talk with them about everything. He smiled at the thought of them possibly observing him at the moment. They better, because he'd look pretty stupid hanging over their graves every week and speaking to the tombstones like they could make a change.

If he had to be honest, as weird it probably was to a chance visitor, he felt calmer talking to the stones like that. Telling Minato and Kushina how great their son had become and how he no longer needed protection. Telling Jiraya how he misses his humour because it was terribly lacking with Guy. Telling Obito and Rin he could use some of their understanding. They always listened him out without judging and always knew how to have fun. As he stopped in front of their stones, he sighed. He loved squandering his summer days with them, doing stupid things until dawn. Training together and protecting each other.

For a moment his eyes skimmed over the green area and sank deeper with the thoughts that came over to him again. Often, he'd find himself thinking about his father and it was a little vague now, the confliction of his mind and heart whenever he brought him up, all these times before. He thought about him with great fondness now and liked to talk to him from time to time.

Lately, he caught himself doing things, small mannerisms that he did unconsciously, always leaving a kunai dagger by his bed, looking back in on his way out of the apartment, spending time sitting in heavy dusk, and thinking… all these things, it occurred to him that his father had been doing them when he was a little. The thought was equally funny and curious. It was nice to think that even when Sakumo wasn't around, he still had such a heavy impact in his life. It made him feel somewhat better… and maybe less lonely in a way.

"Kakashi," A quiet, ringing laughter echoed from somewhere close, but he was still deeply connected with his memories, humming absently. "It's time you get out of this place. Come back to the living a little, ok?"

The soft words flowed through his ear and he blinked, shocked to find Sakura holding his hand and leaning sideways in order to catch his attention. Kakashi stepped back rapidly, quickly coming to his senses and taking a sharp breath. It must've been at least an hour since he came and he hadn't noticed how much time passed since then. He hadn't even noticed her coming this close… what happened to his stealth shinobi skills?

He gazed at her lean form, the long rosy hair she had tied loosely and the beaming, game smile she had on, expecting him to speak first. She was so vivid and colourful that it was unnatural to his brain at the start, to realize she was factually standing there, in the midst of the bland graveyard, in front of him, and that wasn't a hallucination or an image of his mind. She didn't fit in, not in this place. In his profound and extended experience, this place was reserved for silence and sorrow. That's why it took him so much time to respond.

"Sakura."

"Correct," She chuckled at his serious tone when he recognized her, at last.

Sakura appeared on the verge of laughing out loud because he sounded generally bemused at her presence. He didn't want to sound bemused or any kind of defeated at the moment so he coughed a little, to clear his throat.

"What are you doing here?"

Sakura raised a brow, the amusement never leaving her features. He failed at scaring her again. Not good.

"I love when you do that. It's cute." She said, out of nowhere and without a drop of remorse, and he had to furrow so that he doesn't have to feel impressed with _her_ perfect shinobi skills. He might be failing at observation, but his pupils were unsurpassable and it surely had to count for something.

She loved it when he didn't know how to react because she wasn't twelve anymore? Yes. He was terrifically confounded about that fact in the last days. His reactions only confirmed her suspicions, he couldn't pretend she was little anymore. He was acting like it, but he didn't mean it and it showed. And failing to manage a simple conversation with her because she was way too… actually, why did she wear a dress? She rarely wore a dress.

His brief scrutiny didn't go unnoticed and Sakura looked down to herself and back up.

"You going somewhere?" Kakashi heard himself say before he put his hands in his pockets and looked away, to add a little colour of disinterest to his question.

"On a date. Why?"

Kakashi faced her, her carefree voice causing some strange, nauseating tumble in his stomach. He instinctively searched for her features, to find out if what she was telling is the truth. Because it was important for him to know... Her expression was perfectly peaceful and serious. She peered back at him, the intense viridian of her eyes enhanced a little more by a dark contour she had added artificially, and he just didn't dare breathe.

It was a very unfamiliar feeling to him, it closely resembled fear, but somehow a different type of it. Good thing was, he averted his eyes before it got uncomfortable. What was he supposed to say now? He didn't realize he put himself into a trap with that question. Anyway. It didn't matter what he said now so he could be honest, like he usually was. She was always in red in his dreams.

"Beautiful… dress." He glanced at her again, then looked down, fighting the urge to shake his head. It sounded better in his mind.

Kakashi heard her stepping closer to him and she came in sight, stopping inches away with a mirthless smile on her lips and clearly pleased with the compliment. Then her hand reached up to his mask and slowly pulled it down, the tips of her fingers passing over his nose and lips, then the chin and a little further down to his neck. He was so surprised that he froze completely. She's never done that before.

The touch was so gentle, it nearly made him sigh. It's been years since someone touched him like that, but he quickly discarded the thought. It was of those he couldn't afford.

"Beautiful face," Sakura whispered, her eyes resting on his lips for a while. Then she squinted a little. "You know, no one ever looks at me like that. Even patients who are dying in my arms." She paused, smiling to herself. "It gives me hope."

"It shouldn't. My intentions haven't changed."

"It's been you my whole lifetime," Sakura continued in her absent-minded tone as if he hadn't spoken at all. "And you thought I'd go on dates? Now?" She chuckled breathily, standing on her tiptoes. "When I'm… almost there?"

Her lips brushed against his lightly, but she backed away before his disapproval could take a verbal form.

"There's a meeting. Naruto wants you to attend too." She said quickly, seeing that his eyes glazed over with anger at her senseless act. "You weren't at your apartment so I figured you'd be here."

The pause extended as she proudly replied to his stare, still very much remorseless and just a tad playful.

Kakashi scowled at her, turning his back on her on his way out of the Cemetery. Why the hell didn't she _start_ with that information? He had the feeling she didn't follow his track right away, watching him as he walked away. Letting her go that far was bad. For him, not her. She was happy. She was so happy that she was almost bursting at the seams_. _But he… he had clenched his fists, tense with the all this pressure she caused.

It cleared up to him, that she was well-aware of her dominance. Because he wouldn't dare oppose in fear that she'd wither and she wouldn't ever stop attacking. Sakura caught up with him, evening with his pace. When she looked her at her then, his fears confirmed, she had a genuine smile on her face.

Well, at least she was happy.

* * *

The attendants had almost gathered completely when they finally reached the Hokage Tower and climbed up to one of the meeting rooms — wide, oval rooms with enough places for all the Kages and their closest personal escorts. Kakashi thought it was a Konoha meeting with the Council only and remained surprised to find out it was an all-nations gathering. Naruto might've mentioned it to him, but he hadn't paid attention.

Shikamaru was the first one to bring them in and introduce them to the others, which he did flawlessly, but it was written on his face that he was already irritated trying to shuffle in-between everyone. Kakashi nodded at him and separated from the others for a while, to try and gather his thoughts together. The two elderly remnants of the Konoha Council Koharu and Homura sat in the corner in silence while Naruto quietly talked with Shikamaru. He suspected they won't intervene, but they often showed interest in the decision-making in the village. Kakashi caught Tsunade's gaze from the other side of the room and she nodded at him.

Sakura greeted the Tsuchikage warmly and leaned back on the window, waving at Naruto to get his attention. Her eyes questioned him with something, but Naruto shrugged. It left Sakura with a small furrow of worry. Then she sank in, growing pensive. Naruto sighed, stepping closer to the circle of people.

"Welcome to all. I know these kinds of meetings are done on the Union meetings, but I didn't think we need to go there. The threat is not that great. The missing-nin is only partly the reason that I gathered you all here."

"Does anyone know of his whereabouts at the moment?" Gaara asked, impatiently. "Because I have pressing issues at my own village and this is becoming a nuisance."

"I know. I promised to deal with it." Naruto tried to calm him down.

"Hey, it's not _his_ obligation alone to take care of missing-nins like that." Shikamaru stepped to Naruto's side, folding hands. "As far as I know, The Five Nations should work together."

"We are," Kurostsuchi confirmed, lifting her hand to stop them from raising their intonation. "It's just that this chase went on for too long and I consider appropriate to just go find this shinobi myself at this point."

"The problem is dealt with," Naruto professed, louder. "Calm down."

Kakashi narrowed eyes at him. Was he lying to them? That wasn't a thing he'd lie about, especially to _those _people. Sakura exchanged glances with him, just as confused as himself. So she didn't know anything. Shikamaru seemed calm and collected. Strange. The tension in the atmosphere loosened sensibly at Naruto's words.

"It is not why I gathered you here," Naruto added, taking a breath. "I wanted to establish some way of dealing with this kind of issues that involves everyone. Clearly, our system doesn't work and everyone's grown too busy taking care of their own lands, their own borders and their own villages."

"I agree." Gaara nodded. "We have become too independent and it backfired."

"I have a proposition that you might find unattractive at the start," Naruto said, resting his hands at the back of the couch. "I ask you to consider it thoroughly and if you're not ready with an answer, I can schedule another meeting."

"Let's hear it." Darui, the Raikage, finally spoke out.

Naruto silently agreed to give the word to Shikamaru as he was better prepared at speaking on Union gatherings like that.

"Instead of having every Nation panic over missing-nins and chase them endlessly until they are no longer within reach, we propose that the Union should free the passage through the borders between the lands for all shinobi."

He stopped, eyeing everyone's tangible concern, but continued before the commentary starts.

"We know that is a big leap of faith for everyone, but it will guarantee an easier and quicker way of dealing with missing-nins and criminals. They pass the borders carelessly, while we can't... not without permission of the certain Nation. It slowed us down for months."

The silence extended and Kakashi examined the faces for a while. All but Gaara seemed ready to deny the proposal. As for himself, he thought it's a great idea. It was ridiculous how borders still were an obstacle between the Nations, after all these years. They were supposed to work as one and help each other. Plus, they wouldn't allow the free passage of people of all kinds and professions. Only the shinobi. Which makes perfect sense.

"I have a question." The Tsuchikage smiled at Naruto condescendingly, but her quiet voice was severed by a loud swishing noise and a cold current of air. Kakashi stood alert and all of the Kages stood up, in a fight-stance as a sudden vortex formed in front of the door and two blurry, dark figures appeared abruptly.

Both of them were cloaked, but the first one appeared first, tumbling down on the ground, and the second one stepped out quickly after. Sasuke had a little blood on his vest and his Rinnegan and Mangekyo glowed with anger, but he was too distracted to notice all the attendants, going straight for his target again.

He sheathed his sword and a swirl of violet chakra shifted into a claw that he used to grab by the neck what seemed to be a young boy in his early twenties, a shinobi of Sunagakure, judging from his scratched band, and lift him up so that he could stand on his feet. Shikamaru's shadow clenched him right away and he was paralyzed. His breathing was laboured from the supposed fight he's just had, but his young features darkened when he noticed all the ones he's been stealing from were in the room. The defeat was in his eyes.

"_Always with the cool entrance,"_ Naruto murmured and Sasuke flinched a little, stepping away from the missing-nin. He finally had time to look around.

The sight of all the Kages together stupefied him a bit and he bowed curtly at them before turning to Naruto, still breathing heavily.

"All the stolen artefacts and scrolls are with him."

"Thank you." Naruto drawled, and the view was slightly comical because they looked at each other at a loss. It was a really bad timing and a really bad place as well, to thrust a criminal to the gathering like that. "Stay for a while. The meeting will be over soon. I've gotta talk to you about… manners."

_"Hn,"_ Sasuke grunted, discarding his eye powers. His gaze skimmed over the silent majority of shinobi around him as he walked to the window where Sakura reached out for him with worry.

Her healing chakra illuminated without permission and Sasuke shivered with surprise, interlocking his eyes with Sakuras. Her features contorted with a forced smile as he leaned in and whispered something to her. Kakashi could hear Naruto's voice speaking, but he was out of focus, observing his team members with kindled curiosity.

There was a very reserved, but mellow softness that Sakura acquired when she was talking with Sasuke and when he was close to her. He had high hopes for it for a couple of years, in fact, believing it would be the reason for an outworldly powerful match and the beginning of the long lost happiness of both Sakura and Sasuke. He worried that she might remain unhappy without him and that Sasuke might never find an anchor to keep him sane and hopeful as the one that Sakura offered.

But then he chose redemption, thinking it's only fair. Kakashi approved to whatever he chose, as long as it doesn't hurt him and as long as he remains loyal to Konoha, but when the weeks passed, he saw what his absence did to Sakura. She was eighteen, one year after Sasuke had gone abroad, when she stopped smiling. There was nothing that could be done anymore. And she didn't smile for years, not on her friends' weddings, not when they made Naruto a Hokage nor when she became the chief of the Hospital.

She was eighteen again when he went to visit her one afternoon and they walked together. He only wanted to distract her, but he seemingly did much more. Sakura smiled to him that day. With her eyes sparkling anew and with bubbling curiosity. The only times when she smiled was when she saw him.

Kakashi shifted his eyes from the two, absent-mindedly following the lively discussion on the punishment of the missing-nin and the consideration that he might not be of full age. (He refused to talk so they had no way of knowing.) Kakashi was relieved, and it killed him to feel like it, but it was the truth.

During the last decade, Sakura has always been polite with Sasuke, but never tender. He had always had this urge to follow her closely, ever since he was entitled to be a sensei to Team 7. With all the godlike potential of Sasuke and Naruto, he had this strong conviction that lied low at all times, that however powerful she might become, she'd always be like a feather between the two sides of a vice, both physical and emotional.

So he needed to know where she was, what she did and how she was faring, at all times. He helped her and saved her life numerous times and when she passed the point where she was stronger than him and could save herself, he was left with this void inside. Kakashi still wanted to help her and be around her when she required any kind of support, but the game changed drastically. Doing those things had completely different implications at that point.

Now, he didn't know what to do with that void. It had started to consume him. Sakura indicated an alarming call for his presence again, but this one time he couldn't oblige.

"I think we should vote already." Shikamaru sighed.

"I don't think we need to do that, actually." Kurotsuchi looked to the other Kages for affirmation and she got it, with all the nods she received. "It's clear that borders are a big issue and it's only wise to agree on your proposal. We all agree on it."

"There is no need to schedule another meeting as well." Gaara stood up and shook hands with Naruto, who was beaming.

"That's great!"

Soon the meeting ended and Naruto talked with all of the Kages separately, to thank them for the vote of trust and return to them whatever was stolen, before letting Shikamaru send them off. They agreed that Gaara was the one who would take the missing-nin to Suna and put him on trial. He didn't deserve a death penalty as he hadn't killed anyone, but he was likely going to be imprisoned for a while.

Kakashi was about to leave when he noticed the sign Naruto gave him to wait for a little. So he sat in one of the couches and occupied himself with silent observation. It was a rare sight, to have his team together in one room and it sure was entertaining. Naruto didn't even wait for a second after the last guest left before turning to Sasuke and pointing at him with vivid accusation.

"How many times do I tell you to stop warping into my meetings like that, dumbass?" Naruto yelled, making Sasuke blink against him and quickly acquiring a very offended air.

"I got you the stupid missing-nin."

"Yeah, but… _the Kages?!"_ Naruto gestured all over the room, with a disturbed and questioning intonation. "If you haven't noticed, I'm trying to win their trust and you're scaring them with all your—_with your weirdness!_"

"I have to go," Sasuke announced nonchalantly, nodding to Sakura and she smiled blandly.

"I'm on my way to the Hospital too so... see you later, Naruto." She sighed, walking to him and giving him a tight hug, which he accepted gladly, even though his glaring eyes were on Sasuke all the time.

Sasuke, on the other hand, stood with his hand on the katana and watched the scene with a slight furrow. Then Sakura turned around, her eyes shifting from Sasuke to Kakashi and back in brief confusion like she was hesitating whether to offer the same to them, but her face darkened with a rosy blush and she quickly headed for the door, where she stopped again, facing them again as if remembering something important.

Her head tilted a little and she laughed, the same pleasant, soft ringing he heard earlier today. Her teeth dug into her lip when she suddenly looked directly at him and he could give everything to hear what she was thinking about.

"All my favourite boys in one room," Sakura mouthed, and with another smile meant specifically for him, she left.

Sasuke slowly turned on heels, to look at him and Kakashi could sense all his muscles tensing under that obsidian, merciless gaze. He's always had that sharpness to him that all Uchiha had. Itachi had it too. That cavalier, nearly sadistic look. Like he was naturally superior and his world wasn't divided into friends and enemies, it was divided into masters and subordinates.

Did she really _have _to do that? What was with her today anyway? Sasuke was one of the smartest people around and she knew it. Her insinuations were painful enough when it was the two of them only, but now that she carelessly scattered them in public, it all started to feel mildly disturbing. Without speaking any further, Sasuke walked away too, amidst the heavy silence.

When Kakashi looked at Naruto, he was already pouting at him. _Great._ Now all three of them were disappointed in him.

"What did you want me to stay for?" Kakashi asked, already tired enough to not be even hungry. He had successfully predicted that this day would be hellish and long and a potential disaster.

"How do you think?"

"I'm going home, Naruto." With a sigh, he stood up and walked to the door. At this point, he hoped it's not another mission because he really wanted to lie down under sheets and read about hot, consensual sex all day.

"He is her age, possibly the strongest shinobi in the world after me — and I'm already taken — and even I can admit he is better-looking than most of us here. She is going to marry him some time, you know," Naruto made a dramatic pause. "Oh, and he also wants strong heirs for his clan. Who do you think he'll pick when he comes to his senses? Hanabi?"

Kakashi had to stop in his track and furrow. Was he supposed to talk like that about his sister-in-law?

"She's pretty but as good as a villager. Teuchi has more grit than her. She's not a hundredth as strong as Sakura."

"Stop," Kakashi commanded, facing him.

"Why are you doing this to her?" Naruto continued, with a small shrug. "She's my friend and I'm worried about her. Do you know what she told me when we got drunk last night on Hinata's birthday? That she feels like she's useless. That there's something wrong with her and that's why nobody who matters to her wants her."

The words echoed through the room and quenched the anger that just washed through him. Now he wanted to retort, badly, staring back at Naruto with bitterness, but he couldn't say a word because of the tightness in his throat. All he could do was leave before Naruto says anything more. And that's what he did.

* * *

_A/N: Long chapter, if you find any mistakes please tell me because I had little time to edit, of which I'm terribly sorry, and __thanks a lot for reading too! Ugh, I really wanted to have a bit where Sasuke is just straight up judging Kakashi silently and Kakashi being slightly afraid because __**not Tsukuyomi torture again, please?**__ and it turned out kinda fun to write it lol I hope you liked it!_


	5. V

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto**

* * *

**V.**

**.**

It was sometime in the afternoon, but fairly chilly under the old, vast crowns of the trees over his head. His eyes were closed as he sat with his legs crossed and breathed in calmly. The air was pleasant and smelled like grass even though he wasn't very deep into the forest. In fact, he was close to the old training ground of Team 7. He liked that place, not because of the fond memories, but because it was peaceful. Peaceful was hard to find these days since Naruto had turned his childhood Konoha into a major city.

What disturbed that peacefulness was a familiar voice, calling his name from afar with an annoying tone to it.

"Kakashi!" It was Guy, yelling his lungs off somewhere still very far and away. "Come out on the meadow already!"

How about no, huh? Kakashi took another slow breath and counted a few seconds before releasing it. Birds were chirping somewhere above him and he enjoyed the echo the sounds created. The quiet presence of life rustling through his ears.

"Kakashi!"

Kakashi opened his eyes, letting out an exasperated grunt. _Why?_

"Kakashi!" Then again, louder, making his heart beat faster. "Come out, I gotta talk to you."

He closed his eyes again and focused on the mass of chakra inside of him. It was like a whirlpool and it moved all over his body, gathering strength and increasing in power, crawling underneath his skin and flowing ceaselessly. His heartbeat was unsteady against his chest, but he held on to the focus, guiding it into one, feeling it fusing at his centre with some sort of constant pressure and familiar magnitude. A feeling of control that he had always liked—

"_Kakashi, come out right now!" _

For a split second, the dappled shadows were exchanged by a consuming and blinding white light and a thunderous, crackling noise that followed it. The purple nuance came a second after as an afterglow against his eyelids, and it spread like a deadly spider web in all directions, burning its way through the forest within an indefinite diameter. Then it disappeared, as quickly as it came.

He had tested the lightning's range before, but he wasn't sure how far he reached now. Guy was visible now, far away across him and he stood in silent awe, looking around in confusion — the nearest to him trees who hadn't incinerated had already started groaning and cracking, on their way of collapsing with the severe purple scorching wave that hit them.

Overall, he still wasn't content with the range. It needed more expanding. But it was fine for now. On the other hand, a very sudden, needle-like pain appeared in his right hand, the one he used the lightning with, and when his eyes fell on the source, he found that he still wasn't as used to the lightning pulse as he wished to be. His hand was heavily burned.

The sound of wheels rustling against the grass near him from aside, but he didn't bother to look or greet his friend as he considered it unnecessary at this point. He was not in the mood for talking anyway. Especially in the presence of someone who didn't know what silence is.

"Did someone steal your book or something?" Guy raised a majestic brow, eyeing him up and down. "Why so angry?"

"I'm not." Kakashi glanced up at him, and then down at his hand again.

"I haven't seen you angry in years."

"I'm not angry," Kakashi emphasized, curtly, and ripped the matter of his left sleeve (as his right had completely melted) in a single, sharp movement, proceeding to loosely wrap it around his palm and grind his teeth at the unpleasant, jolting pain that sent shivers down his spine. The skin was practically falling off with the burn. _Great._

"Yeah, you said that already." Guy paused, then took another breath. "Didn't know you've expanded the technique that much." Then he sank in, speaking more to himself and with a bitter undertone to his voice. "You are the elite genius of our generation, I'll admit that!"

With a furrow, Kakashi looked up to join him in the observation and his furrow only deepened. The silence prolonged and he realized the sound of the birds he had been hearing a couple of minutes ago had disappeared fully… whatever life there was in this part of the wood, it was now fried with his electricity. The thought was supposed to shift something in him, he knew, but it didn't. He felt nothing.

"What are you so angry about?"

"I'm not angry," Kakashi said, eyeing the improvised dressing. He couldn't' decide whether it was more tragic or funny.

"The protégé you're platonically overprotecting for the last two decades?" Guy asked, his fingers drumming on the armrest absently. The continuous silence forced him to look up to his friend and find him staring back blankly.

Guy wasn't in the least bothered, affording to smirk as his eyes strayed away to the mowed-down patch of forest they were sitting amidst. The remains of trunks stuck up with sharp and burned endings like black claws reaching out into the air. Smoke was still weaving from some of them.

"Don't give me that face, you know at least half of the village has been fantasizing about Sakura at some point of their miserable lives. They still do—"

"When he told you to confront me, Naruto forgot to mention that I know all of his tricks," Kakashi explained, standing up with the help of his unwounded hand. "No, I don't care what you have to say and yes, I am going to leave you hanging."

"You'll need to find a medic-nin for that, elite genius!" Guy turned the wheelchair with a loud tease, setting himself to look at Kakashi's back as he walked away in the middle of the conversation, as promised.

Kakashi repressed the urge to retort sardonically. And then this storming rage engulfed him as he strutted his way back to the lively part of the village.

_What the actual hell? _

It wasn't enough that everyone pounced on him with opinions and advice as if he ever looked like needing them, all seeming to be completely aware of his reasons and convictions, and of Sakura's too because they were also a very public matter lately as well, and now _this… _He didn't _need _a medic, he didn't need anything _or _anyone. He fared damn well all those years without endless, subsidiary wisdom from pseudo sages suddenly tossed in his face.

_Where were they when he— _

The thought deadened with an echo in his mind. If Naruto and all those who worked in his subtle propaganda-message team attacked him like that one more time, he promised himself to leave Konoha and not come back for a long time.

There wasn't a soul in this village that was aware what he's been through and he was not planning to go back there. In fact, it was all nice and calm up until a week, and now his serenity was ruined and everything was upside down. He was disturbed and he hated being disturbed, he was not himself and this image and these thoughts weren't his, he was uncomfortable with anger and it bothered him, he didn't want to get used to it.

And Sakura… she used to be so reserved and timid before that scene in the Woods. Something snapped in her then, she cried and then she changed again, shifting into a more demanding form, something he'd never seen in her before. It wasn't that she was desperate as much as she had sensed some kind of a crack, a fracture in his defence that she had recognized before him, and now took liberty at trying to break that defence completely without understanding its purpose. He had to fix this weakness, figure out whatever it was and wherever it came from, before it brings them all down.

His fists clenched when he entered the village through the gate and continued down the way with the same thunderous pace. The stinging sensation from the skin on his hand sent warm waves through his body and he embraced them, focusing his attention on the pain only. It was easier to forget about everything else that way.

He didn't need a god damn medic, he could even swear he was not going anywhere near that Hospital today.

* * *

Kakashi went straight to the sink in his kitchen when he arrived at his apartment and unwrapped the blood-soaked clothing, quickly going over the very calming fact (that he was very aware of due to his arduous experience with lightning jutsu) that pain from burns lasted a long, long time if not treated properly, and this one was hurting a lot. Alright, bad idea. Some of the fabric was stuck to the skin, and he wasn't sure if it was a good idea to try and peel it off as it felt like he'd peel a few layers of epidermis as well.

The flowing water came in touch with his blistered and reddened fingers and he shuddered. Thankfully, the fabric came off and he examined the charred patches all over his palm and the blood that had barely started to curdle around his wrist. His whole forearm was blistered and swollen, and he was well-aware water won't help him there. The bleeding wasn't severe, but he had to stop it somehow. Time to ruin another t-shirt, he thought and turned to look around his apartment.

Actually, he was pretty sure he had lint somewhere… he headed for the bathroom and was glad to find a long-forgotten kit in his medicine cabinet. Kakashi sat at the edge of the bathtub and slowly started wrapping the lint around his hand, his thoughts drifting off once again. It was tiring him out, all of this. Maybe he really needed to leave Konoha for a while and clear his head. It was a good idea, by all of his standards.

Upon finishing, he secured the bandage and sighed.

_There. _

It was going to hurt for weeks before it got better, but he managed it, on his own. It wasn't that hard.

His eyes turned around to look at the bathtub and all that was left was trying to estimate whether he was tired enough to skip directly to sleep, in broad daylight, which always sounded very alluring. All his muscles ached with the intense training he did, but then again… alright. He was tired of thinking now too.

* * *

_They still do… they still do… _

_The voices echoed in his mind, but he was distracted and they died out somewhere in the periphery. Then sharp laughter, somewhere around him, and he turned around and turned again, but he saw nothing. It was strange laughter, forced laughter. It hurt him because it was familiar._

_The darkness split into negatives, painful to his vision colours. The strain of his bindings was wrenching and sour and he struggled to breathe in under the massive pressure on his chest, but all he saw was the endless, vermilion cycle of two hateful, malevolent eyes. His mouth was dry when he tried to speak out. He turned to look up to the bloody red skies because it was all he could do._

_The blink of the tyrant eyes released him and he fell on his knees, able to breathe again. The darkness changed a little, he was able to see. There was a body underneath him, pale and steady. Blood on her youthful features, stained all over her hair. Her hazel eyes had stilled into a peaceful, content blankness. _

_Oh, no. No… no. _

_You took her away from me. You killed her._

_His heart broke all over again as he backed away in horror and disgust. He crawled away, further and further back to the dark. It suddenly facetted, dazing and blinding him. He got on his feet and ran away, but someone hit him, almost removing his balance. Then again, and he almost bent, stepping away. The figure was in shadows and he didn't hesitate to attack. He had a dagger with him and he was winning._

_The darkness caved in and he cornered the shadow, pointing the edge against its neck triumphantly. There was this teen excitement in him, amusement at how easy it was to win and dominate, anticipation of all the pain he was about to exercise. He smiled, noticing the shift, the silvery glare of the armbrace, he was in his ANBU clothes again. The shadow was trapped against his blade when the darkness whirled again and he pushed the blade in. _

"_Help me." It whispered and the light finally came over, revealing a pair of sad viridian eyes and pink lips painted with blood._

* * *

Kakashi rasped with the sharp breath he took, waking up with the feeling of being clenched in a vice. He fought for breath for a while before he noticed that he lied in a half-full with water bathtub, clothes on… almost. His shirt was on the floor, but he hardly remembered how he ended up in the water and… asleep. He blinked once. Then twice. Then he jumped out of the tub and grabbed his shirt on the way out of his house.

It was dark outside when he ran out, and judging from the fairly quiet streets, it was sometime around midnight. He was still feverish with the images of this dream and all he could think about was how live it was, and how awful it was, and he wasn't thinking about anything else. All he wanted was to go see with his eyes… make sure this feeling wasn't justified. The streets were all the same to him from below so he climbed up on the rooftops, quickly finding his way through the maze of alleys and turns, breathing heavily and ignoring the swishing cold air cutting at his still wet skin.

He stopped, at last, perching on a familiar window and his eyes peered restlessly into the dark. Her room was dark… there wasn't anyone, the sheets were empty. His heart spasmed with bad anticipation, but his mind searched for a solution. Where else? Then he came up with an idea and for a moment he shook his head. Then he dashed in again, cursing himself mentally.

The anxiety pooled in his stomach and it made him faster. The Hospital lights were still on when he came close and stopped to look around. Medics were shuttling around in the quiet corridors, some talking and some stopping to look at his questionable wander and, surely, wasted appearance. He cared little for it, he cared to find her office. He did, in the end, pushing the door open with dread and hope.

Kakashi was motionless for a second, the bad assumptions running through his mind when he saw her form a little shrunk and her head leaned on her hands in a slouching pose. He stepped closer and kneeled, to take a better look before drawing a conclusion. A deep sigh of relief came out of him.

She was asleep.

The bright light in the room didn't seem to bother her, and he looked at her face as she breathed calmly. The violet circles around her eyes, the crinkles on her overall, the messy cluster of pink hair around her.

He stepped back again, walking away. It was best if he called the nurses to wake her up and it was better if she didn't see him now. But then he stopped on the threshold, abruptly, to turn to look at her again. It was that corrosive voice that spoke to him, the one at the back of his mind.

She felt like she's useless because nobody cared. They did, but… not like this. Not intimately. She would've slept all the hours of this night at the Hospital, she would've woken up without anyone knowing she hadn't returned home and she would've carried on saving lives without anyone appreciating the sacrificial life she lived. But he cared, he cared so much that it hurt him.

Kakashi returned to her and carefully put his hand under her knees, while the other gently slid under her arm to get a hold of her body. She breathed in, a slight furrow on her features as he slowly shifted her and lifted her off the chair. Sakura's hand loosely closed around the matter of his shirt as she leaned on him contently and she seemed to be only half-aware of what happened, which pleased him. He didn't want to wake her.

* * *

Her house was cold when he entered and searched for her bed in the dark. It was not hard to find and soon he laid her on it, switching the reading light on. Her soft, sleepy eyes blinked in confusion for a moment and then she almost refocused, finally aware of his presence. Still in her daze, she straightened up a little and looked around. Then at Kakashi, who was looking down at her without moving.

It was getting more and more awkward so he decided it was time to leave. Kakashi pivoted silently and walked away, already questioning his common sense. Whatever he had promised not to do today, came true and he was starting to feel out of any control.

He reached for the front door, but Sakura slid between him and the handle, both hands keeping the door shut and eyes pleading him to stay, in the quiet dusk. The half-light that came from her bedroom softly gilded the rosy locks around her pale face when she blinked a few times, making him realize her eyes were not some sort of jade jewels, as enchantingly as they coruscated.

She looked down, while he waged his inner battles, and gently took his poorly bandaged hand in hers, casting him a very mixed look of both astonishment and judgement. Her touch actually reminded him of how much that burn still hurt and he knew it was bound to influence his decisions.

"I know you want to leave and I'll let you," Sakura whispered, and he felt that there will be an ultimatum following so he waited for it, "but you'll allow me to fix this first."

Well, if he had to be honest, he had hoped her to say it. Suffering because of his own pride was relevant until he ran into her Hospital and carried her out of there. Now, it was going to be only stupid to refuse help. Given the fact that he really couldn't afford the time to let that heal on its own.

"Come," Sakura ushered him to the kitchenette corner of her small dining room and let him sit in one of her two chairs.

She stripped the white overall and tied her hair loosely so that it doesn't get in her way. The motions of her hands have always been very calming to observe, he thought, before she caught him looking and smiled a little. Sakura then disappeared in her bathroom, rummaging around, for what he expected to be a proper disinfectant. He had seen her use various substances before applying her chakra because it healed the skin but didn't have the ability to kill off a potential infection. Infection his stubbornness had probably ensued.

Sakura returned and quickly removed his hilarious bandage, treating the skin with her skilful fingers. The seconds of a clock ticked somewhere on the shelves behind him and he didn't like it.

"Thank you for always taking care of me, Kakashi." Her voice brought his attention to her face.

"You're welcome."

His even reply made her chuckle. She was finished with the lint soon and her vibrant chakra illuminated the space with soft green. He barely suppressed the sigh of relief.

"You know you don't need to."

"I know."

"It makes me very happy." Sakura smiled indefinitely. "I thought I'd share."

The noise of rustling and leaves rubbing against window reached him and all his muscles tensed, eyes darting up to the window across them with sharp alarm. Then they quickly shifted to the other window, on the far end, and then he stood up, stepping sideways so that he could check whether she had a window in her bedroom as well. His furrow deepened when he saw that she did.

"Hey, I'm not finished. What…?" Sakura's voice came closer to him as she neared and stepped in front of him, waving to get his attention. "Kakashi? Be still for a moment?"

He looked down at her and offered his hand again, to discard a little of the worry that had started forming on her features. "What's wrong?" Sakura's light sparked up again and she afforded to touch again. "A-are you alright?"

"I'm…" Kakashi didn't like that she had so many windows and ways for someone to come in. Maybe he had to stay… or maybe guard the house from outside so that it doesn't get suspicious or something… His mind was racing with the possibilities and refused to accept that this dream might've been just a dream and nothing more. But what if it _was _just a dream? Then he'd look terrifically stupid, trying to justify his decisions tonight. He came so far on a hunch. "I'm fine."

Sakura looked up to meet his eyes and the disbelief could be seen on her from miles. "Yeah." Her technique ceased as she made sure the skin looked healed and healthy again. She was being thorough in her touch, but he noticed it just now, taking a second away from his concerns.

One of her hands kept his palm opened while the other caressed the renewed skin, her fingers slowly going upwards over the veins and the fading scars, and downwards, all the way to the centre of his palm. Even with his mask on, he still felt overexposed under that touch. Also, she really had to stop because he was on the dangerous border of enjoying it.

"Sakura."

His voice startled her and she looked up. Then she acquired that look, like she didn't care for his admonishing intonation in the least.

Her tired eyes ran over his body with a spark of amusement, then admiration, then her face flushed a little and her lips pursed, and he needed a moment to comprehend what was going on. He traced her gaze and figured it out quickly. His clothes were still partly wet and the light fabric of his shirt stuck against the dark blue suit underneath like a slick second-skin and outlined everything there was to outline. As it probably coincided with the popular opinion, he was not exhibitionistic and he had always liked more to look than to be looked at.

Which all resulted in the rise of heat in his body. He was pretty sure his face was in some kind of pink when he looked away, everywhere but her face. Sakura suddenly came close and hugged him, and he almost escaped, freezing in place.

"What are you doing?"

"You seem very... very frightened." Sakura pressed herself to him, her hand resting on his back and her head fitting naturally in the crook of his neck. "I'm giving you a hug."

Kakashi decided to indulge her because she clearly wasn't going to let him go without a trial of some sort. A hug was bearable for him so he endured it stoically.

"Can I go now?"

Sakura backed away, this time the joy on her face had extinguished. Her young face always shifted into this sorrowful grimace whenever he left. He wished it didn't.

"Go." She nodded, wrapping hands around herself as if suddenly feeling cold.

As he struggled to evade the strange guilt he felt, leaving her like that, he thought that he most definitely had to stay outside her house for a few hours. Just to be sure.

* * *

_A/N: Since I dedicated this fic on the more psychological side of Kakashi's (and Sakura's) mind and it will stay like that till the end, I feel like there are some things that fanfic writers leave out… a lot. Did you guys remember Kisame being at wonder how Kakashi's mind is still ok after Itachi's 72-hour torture (which basically translates as 'all others who went through this went mad')? Why is no one ever talking about these 72 hours? And why is no one ever connecting Kakashi's trauma-laid life with his compulsive porn-reading? I will. _

_Thanks for reading! And thank you so much for all the kind reviews, you guys are making me so happy with these!_


	6. VI

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto**

* * *

**VI.**

**.**

"Hey, are you alright?" The words rolled out of her mouth at the moment she saw Naruto approaching her, stepping into her office in the Hospital. She was working additional hours today, again, because… well, there was no particular reason, she just hated being home alone. Especially on Fridays on which none of her married friends had the desire to go out with her.

"Me? Yes. Kakashi? I haven't got the slightest idea." Naruto threw his hands in the air, at a loss. "He hasn't been out of his place for days. I went to visit him, he didn't even let me in! I tried talking with him…"

"Talking doesn't work on him." Sakura mouthed, in-between, with a small shake of her head.

"…but he won't pay any attention to me whatsoever. To _me. _And I'm _The Hokage_! I mean, he could at least ask if it's a matter of urgency of something. If you happen to know what's gotten into him, and I'm sure you _know_," Naruto pointed at her suspiciously, "because he's being like that since you came back from that mission, you have to share. Is that Kakashi being Kakashi or is that Kakashi being weird?"

"I…" Sakura sighed, leaning against the edge of her desk, shoulders hunched tiredly. "I might be the reason. I'm not completely sure."

"The whole village knows you are the reason," Naruto muttered, rolling his eyes.

Sakura looked at him, lips apart with the surprise, but then she blushed intensely, looking away. She brushed back her long hair, swallowing down. "I-I've been pushing him a lot lately. I think I made things worse."

"Cool." Naruto clapped his hands hopefully. "Can you turn him back to _Kakashi _Kakashi so that I can talk with him about important domestic policy issues that he can help me with? I'm not even kidding. The Council wants me to close down ANBU and I have no idea what to do. Shikamaru isn't of any help at the moment, he's got Union stuff to take care of."

"ANBU?" Sakura gasped, her eyes shifting into horror. "You want to talk with him about ANBU? Now?"

"Yeah, he has lots of experience and will have a better judgement," Naruto admitted, with a shrug. "I could keep ANBU as a precaution, but even if by some chance I'm not alive to protect the village anymore, you and the dumbass will be. And my whole damn Academy class as well. I'm sure everyone agrees you guys can handle a Ten-Tails demon just fine without me."

"Hope we'll never have to," Sakura interjected.

"Do you know that Tsunade went to visit Orochimaru three times last week?" Naruto suddenly deviated from the subject, with a lower intonation, like he was sharing a secret. "I thought she went to give him a nice beat-up for that Mitsuki deal, but I'm pretty sure all they do is talk. I think they're friends again, she keeps an eye on him and everyone's happy. Don't want the snake to conjure up plans without me knowing anything."

"It's nice that she put her detestation aside just to try and get along with him," Sakura hummed quietly, and then a smirk appeared on her lips.

Tsunade had always liked to put on show her resentment for Orochimaru, but sometimes, when she was with Sakura only, she spoke about him with some mixture of reluctant admiration, almost-reverence, when she referred to the creations of his mind. And hands. All in all, there was something weird going on there, but Sakura wouldn't dare pry.

"I think she had been curious about his rejuvenating techniques for the longest of time but was prideful enough to avoid meeting him since he joined our forces in the War. I'm happy that they finally met."

"The more Sannin on my side the merrier. _Anyway!_" Naruto waved with hand. "I don't need anyone to guard me anymore and quietly continuing to breed mercenaries in the heart of the nation sounds like a terrible idea, especially when I'm supposed to be the symbol of peace, walking around in this," he pulled the rim of his vibrant Hokage cloak in a comical show-off that succeeded in making her smile. Then his eyes darkened a little and he fell silent, head drooping a little.

Sakura walked to him slowly and put a hand on his shoulder. It was unusual for him to be that silent and that sad, the thoughts in his head were surely something that gnawed at him. And she had a vague idea of what it might be.

"Sometimes I think about what my dad did for Konoha and I feel like I'm kind of failing at it."

"This is not true!" Sakura scoffed. "You did plenty and you still do. It's the years that made you forget how much you sacrificed for Konoha. You brought peace to the Nations, Naruto, and you kept it. This is the hardest thing to do and I am more than sure he is proud of you."

Naruto looked back at her, encouraged. His sky blue eyes glowed with the same warmth they had twenty years ago and it always made her feel better. He was grateful for the words, she could tell. "Thanks, Sakura-chan." Then he backed away, with the idea to leave, but he abruptly stopped. "Uh, I still need to speak with Kakashi. Mind trying to talk him out of his _Kakashiness_ and send him my way? I would be _much _obliged. He only listens to you lately anyway."

When Sakura nodded lightly he trailed off, waving her goodbye and closing the door behind.

"Talking doesn't work on him." She repeated into the air, barely heard. Her melancholic eyes were still on the door for a while, but then she blinked, straightening up her head with some kind of insight. Talking… didn't work, but touching might.

Her teeth dug deep into her lip as she slowly turned around, putting her hands in the pockets of her medic coat with a wistful, animated look in her eye. Then she sat in her chair and looked through the window, contemplating the consequences of her plan. There was a real chance she would demolish the whole, thin and fragile as it was, construction of this long and strange relationship she had with him, and a real chance of her dealing some irreversible damage to him, as she sensed he was conflicted on at least three levels when it came to her, but… it was worth a try.

Waiting was detrimental for both of them. If it was going to end forever, then let it end gloriously.

* * *

Sakura changed her mind, this time leaving her work in time, before the night shift starts, to get home and prepare. Now, she stood in front of this familiar door with a nervous tremor of her hands, dressed in this whimsical fine-threaded, silk off-shoulder dress, fully and fatally red, and revealing, and light on the eye, just how she wanted it to be, with this weird, weird question on her mind. Has he ever invited hookers at his own place?

She discarded the thought with a quiet puff. If the women of Konoha were _anything_ like her, hookers or not, they'd probably invite themselves automatically at a mere glance. He was very thoughtful and condescending, covering himself from head to toe for most of his life, even though his reasons were personal and had nothing to do with sparing the hearts of admirers. Strange, she never once recalled him reflecting on his own appearance. Maybe he avoided the mirror because the reflection she saw was not the same as the one he saw.

"Kakashi, open up." Sakura knocked on the door for a second time, and she had the feeling he was there, somewhere close on the other side, ever since she knocked the first time, a few minutes ago. She was sorry, to an extent, for putting him through this, but this time she wasn't going to be the one to recede and she was sick and tired of both of them living like this, in utter defeat. Lonely, frightened, resigned. Separated by walls, titles, years, fear, convictions, guilt… god, the bricks were so many and so heavy.

_"Tell Naruto I was never interested, I am not interested and I don't plan to be interested in the future."_ His voice came from outside, muffled and flat.

"I am not here to discuss anything related to him. If you don't open the door from your side, I'll have to open it from mine."

Then a pause.

Her intonation was calm enough to be considered the truth. He positively forgot about her Cherry Blossom Impact for a second there. The door soon opened and Kakashi visibly turned whiter at the sight of her, making a few small steps backwards. When they both became aware that he didn't have his mask on, he backed away even more. It made her chuckle. His reactions were so expressive that she didn't need him to speak most of the time.

Her year-long affection returned with full force again. She hadn't seen him in two days, not after he spent an indefinite amount of time standing outside of her house and thinking she didn't notice, keeping her from something that she'd never know. Sakura laid in her bed that night, wide awake and worried to the bone, because if he had crossed the line as much as to carry her home in the middle of the night, then something terrible must've happened in his mind. This restlessness wasn't typical for him, neither the paranoia... She didn't have the opportunity to ask. She never asked.

"Can I come in?"

The question only seemed to increase the antagonism in him as he grimaced with the pressure of the same choice. He didn't want to let her in _nor_ let her go. With a sigh, she decided that nothing would ever happen if she waited on him and so she stepped in, forcing him further back. She slowly closed the door and faced him with a smile.

Then she left her coat on the nearest hanger and stopped to look at it. It was quite natural, her clothes next to his. She liked it. Her eyes shifted back on Kakashi, who was standing at a sharp alarm and as if a ghost was walking around in his house and he had no idea what to do about it. Even his breathing was shallow and non-rhythmic in the silence between them.

After she removed her white slippers, Sakura looked around and slowly walked past him, bare-footed, eyeing the small dining room, which connected directly with a short passage. Across was the softly lit bedroom and the door to the bathroom to the other side. It was nice. Better than her place. Very compact, very neat. Very quiet. She stopped before the bed and waited for him to show up at the door.

It was quite the agony for him, she imagined, the moments during which he remained there, fighting with something she never understood, and standing in the dark part between the two rooms. But she called his name and he had no choice but to show up, eventually.

"Sit." Sakura gestured at the bed, with a perfectly flat intonation.

"You should go." Kakashi shook his head.

"Please?" Sakura added, gesturing again.

With a heavily defensive, cautionary look, he obeyed, ware of the growing delight in her eyes. She looked down at him for a moment, estimating her chances. Alright, she had nothing left to lose anymore so… whatever. Sakura reached for the rim of her dress and pulled up, stripping it to reveal the dark red lace of her lingerie. Kakashi, as eloquent as he was, lost all of his reluctance for this one full second she was overjoyed to have witnessed when his eyes ran over her and veiled treacherously.

It somehow made him look younger, she thought. Sakura turned around and reached for the clutch of the bra, unclasping it with the slowest movement, and then using her fingers she brushed away the straps off her shoulders, letting it fall. She dug her teeth into her lip as her thumbs tugged at her lower piece and pushed it down lazily, bending over until her fingers touched her toes, and stepped off, taking a shaky breath. At last, her hand went up to pull the tie that kept her hair together and let it fall freely.

And then she turned around, the long rosy locks dancing with her motion as she faced him again, and rest her hands at her sides so that he can look all he wants… and he did. His Adam's apple bobbed down with another swallow and he was stupefied, and completely lost for a moment. Then his head tilted a little, his features turning a tad more senseless and predatory than before, and she suppressed the need to rush her exposé. He was magnificent, with that look in his eye, and she hoped he knows it.

Sakura came near and allowed herself to saddle his knee, one of her hands sliding up his shoulder for support as the other brushed against his thigh negligently, leaning even closer so that he could hear how ragged her breaths were. She then pressed her bare chest against his, her hips just slightly grinding against the fabric.

She saw, in her periphery that his hands made a half-motion against the alluring curve of her waist, in desperate want to touch, but he overcame the urge and pulled away. It made her stomach tumble with nervous joy. The defence was almost broken. She found his eyes and breathed out, "Do you like that?"

Kakashi looked at her in thick silence, but his eyes were restless, gliding over her bare skin with the tension of someone who didn't know where to start.

She pulled his t-shirt over his head, her tips tracing all the dips and markings on his embossed skin, before leaning to unite her mouth with his eagerly. His own prohibitions didn't seem to be valid anymore, he was touching and squeezing and pressing, still careful, but free to do, and she couldn't help the stretched moaning sound that tore off her lips. Oh, those hands, she pondered, those beautiful, scarred hands that she had worshipped for days and nights on end.

They swirled their tongues together in one prolonged breathtaking kiss before she shifted closer, her knee intentionally smoothing between his legs.

She feared it could all backfire when she heard a tormented sigh tear away from him, so she stopped for a moment, backing away to take a look at his face. His eyes were glazed over with dark lust and it got her unprepared when she caught them quickly running over her neck, in a line from her collarbone to her breasts, with a sort of pointed determination. That vertical scar on his eye added so much more to this spectacular view.

There was still a particle of doubt in him, even though he was aroused. She feared he wasn't particularly happy that his body and mind couldn't find common ground at the sight of her, sitting naked on his lap. With the back of her fingers, she turned his face toward her, to see the fraction of pleasure as she rubbed her knee against him once, then twice, with the slowest motions.

"I…" His breath hitched at a pending, silent _can't_, but instead finished with a quivering sigh that made all her insides spasm.

Her lips curved in a faint smile when he sank into the crook of her neck with yet another tormented sigh. She leaned in to whisper in his ear, "Do you want me or not?" Her fingers slid into his hair, massaging against his scalp gently and he instinctively pushed her lower back close, pasting her body against his. She suppressed the yet another urge to moan at how hard he was beneath her touch, biting at her lip to stop the sounds from coming out. "It feels like you do."

"I shouldn't."

The feeling of his calloused skin against the bareness of hers was unfamiliar and curious, it caused a sensible tumble in her stomach. It was something in his air, always there whenever she was in his presence, that was so undoubtedly masculine that she found herself in a strong daze. His breaths were racing sharp against her when she found his lips and kissed him briefly and wetly, grinding to bring herself closer to his larger frame. He was so easy to kiss, it almost made her smile. There was no opposition whatsoever and he always sagged under the pressure when she stormed on.

"Are you sure? I'm all yours."

His hands caressed down the line of her spine in a smooth motion and moved sideways to her breast, his thumb absently tracing the roundness while his mouth relished on her exposed neck. She could tell he liked the natural way she arched into his touch.

_"Just,"_ Kakashi exhaled with what sounded like the peak of frustration and anguish she's ever heard in his ultimately unbothered character. His hand went up, fingers passing over her lips as he breathed in the pleasant scent of her hair. "Just once."

Sakura couldn't help but wonder why the consequences of this scared him as much. It wasn't like he was going to be punished about it, but he sure acted like it. Before she could think on the miraculous fact that he yielded, finally, Kakashi had pinned her on the mattress and stormed down a harsh kiss, with hectic pauses that served as means to remove the rest of his clothes.

Her most sensitive spot pulsed at the impatient circles he rubbed and pressed against it, assaulting her with heated pleasure. Her body curled and writhed instinctively, against his fingers and she mewled in agitation, growing unnerved by the feeling of sheer tension clenching all muscles in her fit body. Amidst the torturous, tantalizing sensations, she tried to reach out so many times, in attempts to drag him closer and cease her suffering as all she could feel was the cool touch of the sheets beneath her and the shadow of Kakashi's hovering form, but he went on relentlessly, tormenting her with chaotic touch that wasn't enough.

_"Just once,"_ His voice echoed hoarsely somewhere close to her ear, followed by another repeat of the phrase like he was chanting to himself a reminder.

Kakashi parted her legs at last, to her great relief, but then he stopped, looming over, to look at her for a second of hesitation. He slid his hand around her waist, lifting her off the sheets and sitting up, suddenly changing his decision. Sakura understood that he was conflicted in his choice of position, but it was all the more attractive to have him fret over it.

Nails clawing harshly into his shoulders, she sank into him cautiously, moaning at the long-waited feeling of his arousal between her legs, and grinding, driven by the wish to ease this long affliction. He breathed out an unstable breath against her lips when she leaned into him and slowly loosened her hold, trying to get used to him. The simmering excitement in her was beckoning her to move, but she denied the heavy urge to grind. Instead, she decided on a different tempo and began to rhythmically bounce, her body attacked by waves of shivers and her core struck by a surge of spasms, not entirely caused by the physical connection. Her ears couldn't get enough.

He was loud and needy, just as she imagined he'd be, his moans variously increased intensity as he kept them closely against her skin, sometimes they just broke off with the mount of pleasure and fell an octave lower, to low growling that whiffed over her with euphoric hot waves. Sometimes she slowed down just to hear the controlled muffles that he didn't let escape his lips, but it exposed his guard so she could kiss and trace his generally scarred skin as much as she wanted to.

Her pace started to increase, he gripped her hips and thrust back against her greedily, and then sometimes he forgot where he was going, lost in her mouth as they kissed in-between the loud panting and the uncontrolled cluster of noises they merged, and the forced whispers of his name on her lips. She wanted him to hear it from her as many times as she could say it.

The rhythm benumbed all her senses and all she could feel was the sharp spikes of pleasure that attacked her, she didn't remember ever being as wet and as shamelessly enjoying the pressure between her legs. "You're so hard," Sakura couldn't help the helpless whimper that shed off her and she immediately felt a sensible shiver run through him at the sound. His reactions were so distracting to her that the coil that had been winding up snapped at one of her sharpest thrusts and got her unprepared, washing over her with a rippled bliss.

A small cry fell off her lips, a repetitive cluster of _Oh's_ against his ear as her hips moved on their own and her nails carved deep against his skin. The relief was just one of the many things that whirled chaotically inside her. It just flashed through her, along with the warm pleasure, like a blast of emotion that she has been loving this man for decades and she finally had him as close as she had wished. That feeling, that she was a winner, it felt victorious to her mind, in the most festive way possible.

Her body was weakly trembling to his embrace and her core still pulsing when she sensed the dreadful tension in him. He was trying to push her away, or so it seemed to her, his touch growing slightly uncertain and his kisses briefer as if he was preparing to further away. It occurred to her what bothered him soon enough and she hurried to clasp their bodies together again, her touch brushing over the moulded, structured built of sinewy muscle. He was sinfully handsome and she couldn't believe he hid all of it, all the time.

"Don't stop, I got it covered." Sakura mouthed, in the pauses between the deep, protracted kisses they exchanged. Thankfully a little bit of the tension disappeared and he drew her back closer, pressing wet kisses at the base of her neck, and further down. She used the moment to renew her motions, but this time moving slower, her up and down motions more rhythmical and precise than before. Even if she still felt hazy, it was a little easier to focus on him now.

His hold gradually tightened, his breaths stumbling and hitching sporadically with the sensations she bothered him with. _"...does it feel nice?"_ Her whisper was met by an equally quiet moan against her earlobe, and she laughed breathily, arms around his neck when he pressed them back down on the sheets where he could easily delve against her hips at his own liking.

Sakura didn't mind, considering that she wasn't particularly fond of being on top anyway and considering he exuded even more dominance than usual. It was a different kind of feeling when she laid on her back and his body was clinched to hers, and she wondered if he chose it for the physical benefits only. It seemed to her like a most subtle way to demand attention and... affection. This position had a sense of intimacy to it that she didn't expect him to choose or like, for that matter. She expected he'd avoid it at all costs.

There was a fragrance of musk to his skin that she hadn't felt before, and it slightly beguiled her from her thoughts, her hands skimming over uneven, old traces of unhealed scars over his back and her eyes lidding open, to have a glimpse of him.

Her theory proved further right when his pace died out even more and his kissing slowed down to erotic tardiness, his touch roaming and tracing, from a spot to another with no firm intentions whatsoever. He tried his best to prolong the feeling and it made her a little sad. The echoes of his voice reached her ear again when he moved against her at a more sharpened speed, then he slowed down again and hid in her hair, taking unsteady breaths of air.

It was hard for her to not feel worried by the time his overstrained body gave in to slight trembling, but the way he kissed her neck, slowly moving down and making her spine arch all over again with the pleasurable flutters he created, it was absent and distant and still very much unrelenting, in a vicious spite of the masochistic turn this whole encounter had taken.

_"Kakashi,"_ She whispered in his hair and he heaved up, the steel of his eyes meeting her still with a deep, lascivious tint to them and for a moment her mind was blank and she didn't remember what she was about to say.

He examined her features in silence and she could swear that look only was what sent an electric bolt through her. His hand rushed down the same swell of her waist he avoided half an hour ago and traced her skin further to her leg. Then he lifted it, forcing her to clasp her ankles together higher around his waist before he thrust again. She let out a panted moan, and when he repeated, their moans intertwined, but she could swear she heard his breath hitch with her name. If her pleasure was of any amusement to him, she couldn't quite tell, he looked too hell-bent on not missing any of her reactions to have any of his own. Oh... right.

She pulled him into a kiss again, because she felt like her voice would fail her if she didn't whisper. _"It doesn't have to be just once."_

Her statement woke no reaction, he leaned in and continued kissing the sensitive spot under her ear, the warm sensation making her writhe, lips apart and eyes closed. It was distracting, but not distracting enough. His thrusting was nearly painful to her sore thighs, but she imagined it wasn't particularly pleasant for him anymore as well. Maybe he needed a little help.

"You know I love you, right?" Slightly heaving up against him, she found his ear with abated, cheerful nuance to her tone and a harsh shudder coursed through him, fully robbing his control and urging him to drive his body close by instinct, clashing and clenching her with the high that hit him mercilessly.

It was probably his intention to muffle and smother the odd line of audible, descending moans and harsh breaths of air, but she heard it all and it was the sexiest thing she's ever heard in her life. She wasn't sure whether he was always like that or it was just him, recently missing that kind of collision. Whatever it was, clearly, he was allergic to personal honesty of any kind.

By the time he was trying to catch his breath and poorly conceal his subsequent quivering, she used her advantage and pushed herself on top, searching for his eyes, but he quickly averted, hiding them behind his hand.

Sakura was fazed for a moment, but then she decided to let him be for a while, waiting patiently as both their breathing calms down, leaning on her elbows. For one fleeting moment, she realized the slightly irrelevant, but universal fact that having to support your weight and trying to not suffocate your partner while you're being attacked with pleasure was pretty unfair. Being on top has always been a nightmarish notion for her and she was not envious of Kakashi who appeared to have lost all of his energy to her.

She swallowed, forestalling a bitter conversation. Only seeing him a tad upset made her want to cry so she hoped it won't be as bad as she thought it'd be. The minutes passed in silence as she enjoyed the way the deafened light fell on his features and caressed his pale skin. It added a silvery gleam to his hair and it made her want to touch it. Instead, she loomed over his face and reached for his hand, carefully moving it away.

"I am not going to apologize for that." She said, with a guilty smile on her lips.

He was all torment from the looks of him, and she wished she knew what to say to make him feel better. Before she could figure it out, he had successfully attached a weak semblance of outrage on his face, which was kind of bordering on funny. Seeing her sensei angry happened once in a decade and overall looked quite unnatural.

"Do you know what you've done?"

The smile emerged on top of her control, but she had to purse her lips to not offend him. She squinted a little.

"Well, you were pretty loud about it, yeah."

The indignation was supposed to fully twist his features, maybe, but the blush exchanged it rapidly and failed to send the message. He remained silent for a moment, almost-glaring at her through a general wave of embarrassment and she just had to chuckle when he swallowed, completely aware of his defeat.

"I am the addictive kind." He professed morbidly.

"So am I." Sakura shrugged.

"I also may or may not be possessive."

"Okay."

He was peering into her eyes as if to find an answer of some kind before taking a breath, adding in with slight desperation to his voice. "You don't plan to leave."

She looked down into his dark eyes and admired the new warmth to them now. Her head was shaking as he mouth formed the word quietly, "No."

Sakura slowly shifted away, concerned about the little bit of the impending soreness in the whole lower part of her body. She couldn't wait to wake up tomorrow and remember the reason she's not able to walk properly. Her hands pulled the sheets over them absently and wrapped around his arm, snuggling closer. By the looks of it, he was not used to this, giving in to someone's care, but concealed it very well. This situation was troublingly new to both of them, but while she was feeling at peace, he wasn't. Not quite. And it seemed worse that he couldn't leave... because it was his apartment.

"Was that so bad, huh?" Sakura whispered in his ear before her lips moved up to brush against his temple tenderly, and he leaned into the touch, closing his eyes.

"I'm not sure yet."

Was she supposed to be so taken with a single person? So many years passed and she never stopped wondering what it'd be like to hear him speak to her like that, from this close, and she finally saw it, it finally happened and for that, her heart couldn't calm down for a second. She doubted she'd be able to fall asleep at all, especially at the thought that she had been blessed with a chance to witness _him_ fall asleep.

"By the way, um," Sakura closed her eyes as well, smiling a little, and pressing her body to him. "Naruto wants to talk with you."

"Will this guy ever leave me alone?" Kakashi groaned in exasperation.

"Forget about what I said in the Woods. I'm gonna break it to you here and now." Sakura shook with laughter when he sighed tiredly. "Once a sensei, forever a sensei."

* * *

_A/N:__ I could split the chapter, but I didn't, sorry. Been rushing to post this one faster. Thanks for reading!__ I caught myself wanting to write someone strip-teasing Kakashi because it was so apt to his character but I kinda feel like Sakura is not the type to do that and I'm afraid this is all out-of-character. But anyway. I know everyone portrays Kakashi as being kinky, but I don't think he's comfortable enough for kinks in my story so I'll keep it fairly tame. _

_Also, it has always been my headcanon that Kakashi would be super loud. __Also, I have been a low key shipper of a the-hate-is-mutual-the-sex-is-great-but-don't-tell-anyone young!OroTsu relationship and I don't even care, crack or not. _


	7. VII

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto**

* * *

**VII.**

**.**

The morning light came through the window faintly when he woke up and realized he wasn't alone. The terror of it struck him a moment after and he couldn't help but recoil, shifting away at a safe distance at the very edge of the bed. Sakura, on the other hand, disturbed the even rhythm of her breathing for a second, inhaling with the loss of closeness to his body.

He was not moving a nerve, hoping that she wouldn't wake up. He didn't know why, he just didn't want her to wake up yet. There was plenty of things he had to consider, as he usually considered things in the mornings, contemplating his empty bedroom in half-discontent, half-drowsiness, and now he couldn't. Because there was a _person _in the middle of his bed. A pink-haired, _naked _person.

Kakashi neared her a little, feeling very bold, but then she shifted absently, slowly and peacefully sighing as her she huddled closer to the white sheets. They fell lower, revealing the picturesque curve of her hip down to her waist and up to her bare shoulder. He nearly jumped back at the light motion, returning to the comfortable edge of his bed, eyes following her for any signs that she might wake up for real.

It was bad, he had a vague idea of it yesterday when he was too lost to think straight. But now that he looked at her, it dawned on him how bad it was. Not that she became any more or less beautiful or caring or whatever she has always been. It was in the relief he felt seeing her wrapped in his sheets and sleeping. All this time he spent worrying whether she might be crying or suffering somewhere far away was irrelevant now, she was here and here was safe. Safest.

Pretending that he didn't approve of the situation was going to be a lie. Pretending that he hasn't imagined this view before too. But somehow liking it still felt wrong.

Kakashi moved to his side and warily leaned on his pillow without leaving her out of sight. It was bad, very bad. His brain was consciously stuck on her voice, moaning his name adoringly, and he didn't know what to make of it. It wasn't like he could stop the sound of it echoing in the back of his mind. Or the helpless desire to touch her again. He'd never had anyone say to him _I love you _and really mean it, out of the context of intense, senseless pleasure.

His eyes were fixed on a point in the air and he was still bound by the terror, but trying hard to accept it as it is. It was over and done, he couldn't bring back anything... Especially anything Sakura's said. Nothing could be reversed anymore. It was not long when he started feeling as if being watched and his gaze shifted to Sakura, who had opened her eyes and brushed back locks of her hair. She pulled the sheets closer, supporting herself on her elbows and looking at him with odd calmness.

It was way too early, but he didn't feel like it. Everything seemed out of place and way too crammed all of a sudden. Why didn't he feel like it yesterday? Sakura bit her lip hard, jade eyes running down his body and back up to his eyes.

He slightly heaved up, backing away against the solid frame of the bed. What was with that look? Absolutely no. He had to get her out of his apartment as soon as possible.

"Sakura," He raised his hand to stop her, voice low with a warning, but she was on the verge of laughing and very much approaching him, her breathing a little ragged.

She pushed away his hands and saddled him most casually, hand greedily sliding down his clear-cut core muscles. A distinct whimper echoed from her lips as she leaned in to kiss him, but he averted from her, trying his best to push her away and not give in to the view he was exposed to. She wasn't the most voluptuous he's seen but was highly distracting nonetheless. "Sakura, wait."

"Don't move." Sakura breathed out in his ear and her tongue licked its way down his neck, sending a pleasant prickle across his skin. The hold he had on her loosened vastly with the heavy distraction as she swirled wetly around the swell of his Adam's apple, carving a weird, protracted sound out of him, and all he was thinking of the absolute mess he created with letting her inside last night, both in his mind and in general. It's not like she wasn't going to break the door for real, though.

He cursed himself for allowing her to attack him in the first place. Mornings have been hellish without her tongue anywhere near him anyway.

Every sense he had seemed to heighten a couple of times in the mornings. Which is why he had to stop her before going completely hard within the next ten seconds. He was yet to begin explaining to her that the chemicals in his head had somehow pulled him back into a frustrating, almost constant state of wanting to be high on pleasure. Living alone was the darkly ironic punch line of this whole joke. He didn't really want to have to need her again.

"Sakura, I'm serious. Get off me."

"Why, you have somewhere important to be? It's Saturday." She sighed, breathing against his lips with impatience. Her cold touch reached out to his fingertips and demonstratively licked and sucked on his thumb without tearing her mischievous, hazy eyes off his. It took him a few seconds to realize he had been holding his breath watching her, but then he blinked away.

_When did she learn to do that?_

Kakashi caught her, this time tried getting a hold on her waist in a frail attempt to move her away, but she twisted her hand, grabbed his wrist instead and bashed it over his head with such inhuman strength that he felt pain at the moment his skin met the concrete. He rapidly lost the colour on his face, remaining completely still. Her eyes pierced through his, wildly and with anger he couldn't miss from this close.

Sakura let go of his hand and he remembered just now that she told him not to move. Which wasn't a hard task on its own, but he really wasn't supposed to stay with her any longer. It was all spinning out of control and last night was a great mistake. He had somehow lost the initial goal of this whole challenge, namely resisting to let her take over. He only wanted to stop seeing her… seeing her in pain… his thoughts trailed off when she began backing away under the sheets.

"Sakura, please don't_-"_ Kakashi opened his mouth in horror, but before he was able to fully object to where she was going, her moist lips were carefully taking him in without any warning whatsoever. His breathing skipped through with a wave of shivers cascading down his spine at the welcoming warmth. _Do that… Please don't do that. _

For a moment his vocal chords just shut down, leaving him with a mix of whirling relief and rising anxiety at the same time. There was supposed to be a consuming guilt somewhere inside him that was missing. That Sakura was as happy to give him whatever he wanted before he was certain that he was appropriately deserving of it. It wasn't fair that… it felt so good. His fingers dug into the mattress and curled with the tension.

The spikes of common sense and their reflective words flashed through his mind before she started moving, forcing him to moan against his will. Her pace was only slow in the beginning, to try and see his reactions, and as he proved able to form words, really poor excuses of words, and try to beg his way out of this catastrophe while not really believing his own reluctance, she pulled back to suck at his tip, causing a harsh shudder to course through him.

_H__ow was he… going to stop himself from wanting her now? _The thought was really quite despairing on the background of the muddling chaos in his head.

His head relaxed back on the pillow with a series of quiet, defeatist moans when she continued to move, the intense pleasure washing through him in hot waves. Oh, it was so much better to give in like that, than to have to think of consequences. He felt as if he couldn't get any more sensitive than that, the pressure in his body rising every time her tongue slicked along him with mellow wetness. He wanted her to never stop, relishing in the drug-like feeling.

Sakura slightly backed away and uncovered her head from the sheets, reaching for him. It was clear to him what she wanted. His hand instinctively pressed against the base of her neck and helped her understand the exact pace that he required. And she was diligent and obedient as always, having him tremble with anticipation and slightly buck against her, bits of helpless, prolonged groans he couldn't control falling off his mouth.

The chase ended abruptly when her tempo turned aggressive enough to have him finish and arch a little against her with the sudden pulsing bliss that reached all his nerve endings for a moment that seemed all too brief. He heard himself let out some kind of a low sound, but wasn't sure, gripping Sakura's hair and fighting for a breath of air. His brain couldn't quite deal with the satisfaction just yet, blank as it rarely was, and he kept his eyes closed in a few long seconds.

The thin fog of tiredness that enveloped him left him in a slight daze. Truth be told, he's had this done to him before but not as thoroughly.

When he finally opened his eyes, still panting, he saw Sakura looming over him with a mixture of softness and curiosity on her. She observed him, trying to catch a breath as well, staring at him continuously in the silence, until her relaxed features didn't suddenly alter with bewilderment.

"I might…" Kakashi tried speaking, but his voice was a little more hoarse and drawling than he expected and within the pause he opened Sakura shifted away from him in the most careful manner, her surprise going deeper and deeper, and her lips a little opened in awe. "I need a second."

She nodded, her head tilting a little and hands pulling the sheets over her body with a bit of worry. Still, she didn't say anything, looking at him as he stood up from the bed and made his way to the bathroom. The moment he closed the door his eyes fell on the odd mirror image over his sink. Well, that was the weirdest thing to ever happen to him lately. It was quite weird, considering weird things happened all the time in his life.

There were trails of tears down his eyes. Which made absolutely no sense to him. Those weren't tears of sadness for sure. Weren't really tears of joy as well. At least not _joy_ joy.

He slowly neared the mirror and blinked away. It was so strange to feel like crying without knowing even why. It wasn't like he was thinking about anything upsetting. He wasn't even thinking in the first place. Maybe…

His gaze ran down, stopping to look his hands as if the answer was there, in the lines of his palms and all the battle-scars on his fingers. There was something he had been thinking about. Something that had all his insides spasm with heavy, heavy pain. It was something of a conviction that was branded on his mind and didn't give him peace of mind.

His eyes shifted from the mirror and he reached for the door again, returning to Sakura who was patiently waiting and flushing in a dark red. So, now she was blushing, huh? He slowly laid back in the bed and she slid down to him, at a loss for words, as he used the silence to look at her carefully.

"You'll have to wait for a while, I'm not twenty anymore."

Sakura burst into laughing, leaning closer.

"Don't mind waiting at all." She said breathily, her head shaking. Her eyes slightly blurred when she met his, there was… remorse in them. "That happens to people a lot, you know. It's normal."

_Whatever it is, I don't want it._

"It's fine. You had me... unprepared."

Sakura chuckled, "Sorry. Should've warned you in advance."

They stared at each other and he couldn't stop that bitterness from evading his mind. Her beauty was unearthly and it only bloomed like that because he was near. The thought still astounded him and it's been years and years of her proving him that it was true, and he never believed.

"Something has been upsetting you ever since we were in that forest…" Sakura whispered softly, her brows wrinkling. "I see it in your eyes every time you look at me and I don't know what it is."

Always good at hitting the right spot. Kakashi drew back a little, escaping from her puncturing gaze.

"I don't want to talk about this."

"You never do," Sakura remarked with a puff. "Never."

"You won't understand."

"I wouldn't." Sakura shook her head, shifting so that she was leaning on her elbows again. "I'll never know what you've been through unless you share it with me."

The silence, the one he used to like so much on Saturday mornings, now fell between them with a dreadful weight to it, and he knew deep inside that he had to talk now. Because maybe if he didn't, he would never do it. He'd never talk, with anyone, anywhere. And as much as he spent years of his life convincing himself these things just stay with you and hurt, and that's how it is, there was this miniscule, selfish part in him that wanted to speak out.

Sakura was looking at him with soft concern, she could see her in his periphery, but refused to face her. The ceiling was a nice view for now. He didn't know what to say, how to say it, where to start. Most of all, he feared she was too far away to understand, even though she was gifted to understand people and love them, stintlessly, with this rare openness people never had. At least not the ones he knew and especially the shinobi. They were all too close to death to love like that, he pondered. Yet she did, despite the dangers of it.

She loved out of time and she was here, looking straight at him, trying to make him believe she had chosen to love him, and the more he thought about it, the sadder he felt. Sakura shifted a little closer, whispering, "If this is about past events... they're not determining anything in your life. You choose what to do because your present is different."

"You can't choose anything if you're..." Kakashi cut off his sentence, somehow not brave enough to finish it.

_Broken_. He felt broken. Living in an infinite cycle of shattering to pieces, then coming back together, then shattering again. Every time he got close. And he discovered he could get what he wanted without having to get attached. And it was great. Before Sakura came. He glanced down at her and his eyes quickly evaded her again, trailing to his previous point of interest. "Anyway, this is not some kind of a joke. I mean it when I say I need you to go. Please… just leave me be."

"That's it? You're scared to break a pattern because you think it will hurt me?" Sakura breathed out, in half-anger, half-surprise. "Sounds like an excuse to me."

The fear in him climbed up twofold, it's how he knew he was nearing the truth. He hated it, not being able to fight this battle the way he fought every other. Knowing his enemy, with all his weapons familiar and within reach. All he had was the sheets on his bed covering him and it was the same for Sakura, he felt that she was just as vulnerable. Excuse? Maybe. What about it? If it was how he survived, then so be it. He had welcomed all the lies that he could take, to get him through the nights.

"How about you try something different this time, huh?" Sakura whispered, her intonation going up at the end.

"Don't tell me to try and get attached for a change." Kakashi scoffed. "Because I always do."

"You do realize you have helped me become... great? I'm practically cooler than you and can take care of myself alright. I know you're worried about me ending up hurt, but I'll be fine, you know. Stop worrying about not being able to… protect me or something." Sakura sighed, head shaking.

The pause after her words plunged deep into him and it weighed down, making it a little harder for him to breathe. It was unbearable, so he sat up, staring at her, almost looming over her with this inexplicable helplessness and anger whirling in his chest.

"I'm not worried about _you_!"

Sakura fazed, recoiling at the sudden loud intonation, withering with sadness at the sight of him, putting on display a raw emotion that he's been avoiding for a long time. Her eyes watered. Good, she finally understood then. That what she did was, in a strange way, doing more harm than good. That the better he felt, the worse it struck him afterwards because he couldn't imagine having to care as much as she did.

"I can't love you," Kakashi announced and at the moment he said the words, he felt like someone else said them to him and he hadn't fully apprehended them until they came out of his mouth, out loud. Something stung at the back of his eyes when he saw Sakura utterly devastated, but still drawing near to hug him.

"Kakashi," Sakura's calm voice came somewhere close to his ear as she weaved around him, still messily wrapped in the sheets, and pressed her body close to his, her palms tightly against his shoulder blades so that he could feel all of her warmth. "I don't think you know what love is."

Her head tilted back to look at him with the smallest of smiles and he found himself pressing her body closer, just to feel her heartbeat, and she complied, resting against the crook of his neck silently. There was something enchanting about the way she touched, at first sight just giving out affection, but he felt caught up and entangled in a soothing way, and only she could create such a feeling. It was the same even before, when she healed him during missions.

"And you know?"

Sakura shrugged, backing away to look in his eyes. She knew to whom he was referring to, it was in the wounded look of her eyes. Hers wasn't an easy path either. "You've seen rupture, I offer solace. It's nowhere near painful… and it's free." The tears rolled down her eyes as her hand came up to his face, her thumb brushing down his scar. "Give it one last try. For me."

Kakashi furrowed at her.

"If you don't stop crying, you'll make me cry too. Again."

Sakura trembled with a chuckle, grabbing the thin end of her sheet and brushing off the tears. "I'm sorry. That's the last thing I want to do. It's the last thing."

For a moment he forgot what they were talking about because she licked her lips absently, putting away a loose strand of hair that she was irritated by.

"I think… I'll go take a shower."

"Kakashi," Sakura warned, gripping at his arm. She was waiting for an answer, even though she never asked a question. He knew his fingers were shaking and she felt it, against the bare skin of her back. She felt the reluctance and the cowardice, but didn't point them out, she just waited, like always, her warmth sifting through the light fabric.

She made it easy, to decide to trip again, to fall, despite how unfathomably scared he was.

"I think you'll have to take a shower with me."

Sakura laughed, wrapping hands around his neck happily. "Better."

* * *

A_/N: Sorry for pouring out a bucket of feels on you all, I said__ this is gonna be a sad af fanfic.__ I've got 4 deadlines and things to do, but I wanted a break so hey! why don't I write some smut and angst, huh? I don't have any idea what I'm doing, but this was planned for 9 or 10 chapters or something like that? Not sure when I'll find the time for them, though. You're warned. Also, I hope this will display how obsessed Sakura is with Kakashi in my fic and how Kakashi low key needs someone to be obsessed with him lol_

_Another headcanon of mine! (psychology time! the mind's defences and distractions against emotional issues of any kind drop completely for a little while after a nice sex and that triggers tears and the feeling of being upset)(this affects both genders and it actually happens super often and people are usually super confused about it) So, please do imagine Kakashi with his thousand traumas and his usual carefree behaviour having to face them because his brain had removed the coping defences. I bet he's gonna be hella upset._


	8. VIII

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto**

* * *

**VIII.**

**.**

_A/N: This story is actually not going anywhere, it's just sadness and smut and I write it for fun lol. But I guess it's kind of like one of the places where I escaped to in these times of mental turmoil. I really hope every one of you is safe and well, and I hope this would brighten your day somehow. Even though it's kinda sad lol. Don't know how that's gonna work. Anyway, sending all the love!_

_**.**_

The more she looked at him the more he sank, deeper and deeper with this extraordinary feeling. She was obsessed, her eyes gleaming with desire for him ceaselessly and endlessly, her affection pouring out and brimming over with lush, young brightness to it, and he was drawing from it greedily, feasting on it with all the pieces he had gathered of himself because he didn't know when it was going to come to an end. He didn't know how to stop either. It was like they've opened up a hole in time and got lost in it.

It was a festival for all his senses, the hot water rose pleasant steam that discarded the wintry nip in the air when they first got in. The cold morning light was shimmering through the small window up on their right and paled her skin even more, and she already washed her hair with his shampoo so she smelled like it. Her movements were so slow that he started to get a sense of being a witness of a ritualistic performance. Not that he minded.

They were supposed to go out and do something together, something nice or productive… anything. It's been nearly fifteen minutes already since he had let that shower run, not being able to focus on a single subject to discuss nor an issue he could ponder over, nor at least take an actual shower, and instead spending the time staring at Sakura intensely as she stood just a little aside from the stream of water, in all her glory, and now rubbed the gentle lather of the soap across her skin, both her hands sliding from her nape down her shoulder, collarbones and the dip between her breasts.

The feminine tips of her fingers continued down her flat stomach and over her thigh, then over the other, brushing over the curls of hairs in-between before climbing back up to pass them over her neck with a genuinely content, calm expression on her face, eyelids closed as if she was… comfortable. It killed him most of all, that she was comfortable in his bathroom. Comfortable in his sheets, comfortable hanging her overcoat next to his and putting her shoes next to his. Comfortable knowing he was inches away and drowning, and aching and in awe. It was when his mind blanked out completely with the light-headedness of a strong rush of blood that he realized it's like he _was_ twenty all over again with her, even though he denied it just an hour ago.

Sakura stepped into the water briefly, to wash the lather off with the same tranquillity on her features and he watched her do it, hesitating whether to interrupt or not. The decision was made long ago, actually, he didn't know why he bothered even questioning himself. She stepped away from the water again, to leave the shampoo she had placed on the edge of the bathtub in front of her, back in its place.

He closed in, feeling like he'd go mad if he didn't have her anew, and leaned in to breathe in the specific scent of his own soap on her neck. It was a little joy he secretly relished in without giving voice to it. Sakura titled her head, giving him better access to her neck with an absent, muffled hum and a second later lidding her eyes open.

A little too impatient, Kakashi found her mouth and plied his tongue with hers eagerly, the palm of his hand slightly pushing against her stomach so that she can step back and lean against the wall, and she did, ready to comply with whatever. She looked up to him with a haze of lust in her viridian eyes and not a drop of playfulness. It was a fierce, starving look that delved into him and he's had his share of those throughout the years, she had given him plenty of those looks, at the most inappropriate of places and of times, but he had never trespassed any borders before. He's never lost any control before because he had never known the sheer joy of being in your twenties. There was only a trace of insurgent fire in his memories. A riot of the mind. An ailment of the soul.

Sakura bit at her lip a little, staring at him quietly for a while. Her absent-minded state returned when she inhaled and exhaled, at the slowest he's ever heard her, and tentatively wrapped her hand around him. He flinched, his distraught mind centering back on how sensitive everything felt beneath her touch. It wasn't gentle at all, as he deceitfully expected it to be, she stroked him through with the full pressure of her fist, and he gave in to the strong heat-wave that washed through him, increasing his heartbeat in just a second.

Kakashi sagged in with a protracted, open syllable on his lips when she squeezed at his head a little, almost stumbling against her smaller form and shaking enough to lean a hand on the wall. All the effects he experienced, the entirety of a mental and physical quake, he had no way of even beginning to tell her about them and all he could do to let her know was beg. It was enough to make her laugh. Her amusement was just the tip of the iceberg, but she would never know how impactful she was. That laugh, it was like a syncope of his heart, it filled his hollows with this normal, happy feeling that he's needed for so long.

_"Please,"_ he pleaded against her ear and she repeated the motion, with the same pressure but so slowly that he had to buck against her to send a shocking pleasurable thrill through him. The tension twisted his stomach with a just bearable ache and he closed his eyes to it, uncertain whether he approved of it or not.

"Like that?" She asked, with innocent tenderness that was completely opposite to what she was doing. If he'd had the opportunity to dwell on it, he would've laughed too, but he hadn't, because she started moving again, steadily, with just the right speed, and he lost the elusive hold of the breath in his lungs, exhaling into a loud, drawling moan. The clench of her hand was suffocatingly delightful.

Kakashi pressed his cheek against her hair and searched his muddled mind for something that he could reply with. "Yeah," he managed to breathe out, at last, but her rhythmic motions hitched his breath with a cluster of half-tormented sounds that he didn't know where or how to tuck. In fact, there was this feeling of closing in, like rims of circles he mindfully rotated with and Sakura allowed him to shift, closer and closer. He's recreated the sensation before, but he was usually careful and cautious in order to prolong it; never like that, never so aggressive as to carve the air out from his throat like that.

"I need to…" He found her lips with a frustrated groan and pushed her hand away, gripping at her hips and clasping her harshly up against the cold, wet tiles. The water was still running, but he couldn't care less; he drove his body against hers and her voice echoed with a vulnerable, suppressed cry. His worries that the frantic desire to be inside her would deal some damage disappeared, she was wet and tight and for a second he felt like fainting because of it, a prickle of dazing limpness dispersing across his skin.

_"Kakashi,"_ Sakura moaned needily, clawing at his arms for support and letting him overwhelm her with a forceful kiss, just long enough to let her get used to him before he ground into her.

She weaved her hands around his neck, but her intent was suspended with the rhythm of the thrusts between her legs; her head thrown back, she was moaning freely now and so was he, fighting with the pulse in his blood and pressing hard against her. Sakura's core fluttered around him and he feared the weight of the pleasure was too much to hold, he had less time than anticipated. Kakashi drove into her again, changing the angle, and her voice raised sharply an octave.

Just a little more, just a little… Sakura whispered his name frantically, voice soaring with all the clear sounds she made, her fingers coiled in his wet hair, and he was already sliding off and losing the thread, the pleasure shutting off all other thoughts. He pushed her a tad higher, clinching her with all the strength he had left and trying his best to ignore the painful strain in his body.

She finally passed over her peak with a wavering, helpless moan somewhere close to his ear, her lips shifting over his own. _"Come on," _she mouthed, through heavy breathing, just in time to catch the snatched, trembling breath of air that he tripped into her mouth, his fingers sinking into the soft skin of her hips as the faint-ish feeling returned twofold with the heavy, heavy high. He couldn't help but thrust again, deeper and harsher, he just badly needed to, clamping her body with his and shuddering with the sharp edge of the spasming pleasure that coursed through him like electricity, and in a moment all he could feel was the massive relief and weakness that took over.

Kakashi backed away, loosening the hold just a tad, to let her breathe. Whatever sounds he had been making, they surely must've affected Sakura in some way, because she had frozen in a stance of mute admiration, panting just as much as him, but flushed in a deep red. Her head was leaning back on the wall, chaffed lips had just parted from the constant give-and-take they had with his, and her eyes peered curiously at him as he still tried to collect himself, furrowing at a hazy point in the air between them. The worst part was, this weird sensation returned along with the exhaustion.

It was tidal, it seems. Very drug-like. The higher he climbed, the harder he fell after that. He felt bad for not knowing about this earlier, but then again, he hadn't had days like this lately. Falling apart for a third time was going to be a bit much. Maybe they had to keep each other apart for the rest of the day. He was about to let Sakura touch the ground again, but she saw that he was still reluctant and told him to stay like that for a while, hand reaching out to stop the flowing water already.

This veil of despair covered him all over again and he felt the pressure on his chest. _A shinobi must only be a tool for his village's purpose._ The magnitude of the fear. _A shinobi must not show any weakness._ The disguise of love, the trap that was just waiting for him to step into and turn it all upside down again. _A shinobi must kill all trace of emotion in order to be faultless._ With a furrow of concern, Sakura leaned in and tilted her head, touching his lips cautiously. It made him blink and tell himself that he had to try and focus on good things. Escape this feeling of inevitability. It was illusionary and he didn't want to identify himself with it.

"I think I won't be able to stop myself anytime soon," Kakashi announced, with a warning tone, and Sakura chuckled.

"I guess we can leave the going-out thing for another day."

"It'll be better if we leave," he shook his head. "I usually play everything out in fantasies when I'm in public. It's safe and efficient."

"Yeah, I have been wondering about your unbelievable levels of control. How did you read porn for so many years around people without getting turned on?" Sakura's high-pitched, cheery voice trembled a little when he caught her by the waist and let her down again. Her legs barely held her upright so she used his hands for support.

"I am not going to lead that conversation. We need to talk about something else_._"

"I say we spend the whole day here." Sakura glanced back at him, busy reaching for clean towels in the shelf across. "The Hospital can survive without me for a day or two, no big deal."

And… she agreed on it, just like that. She had zero objections of spending the rest of the day with him between her legs. Now he knew just how obsessed she's been. It was getting worse, actually, that he cared about it yesterday and now he just relished in it without any regret. Regrets have started swishing past him very quickly.

"Mm, I am so making pancakes right now!" Sakura chimed, walking out of the steamed bathroom. "I'll put one of your shirts, ok? And I'll steal it after that, I'm just saying. Oh gods, they smell _so nice_. Can I just move in and live in your closet?"

Kakashi furrowed after her, reaching for a towel of his own. Both of them were messed up big time, he thought to himself and passed a hand over his hair, but they survived so far.

* * *

There was some blessed silence for a while as he sat, or rather, sprawled on one of his kitchen chairs, trying hard to get used to not wearing the mask around Sakura. His attention was mostly dragged by her quiet and focused cooking in the semi-lit corner of the room, and she was well aware of it, glancing up to meet his eyes from time to time as if to question it, but said nothing. It was long before she finally opened up a conversation again.

"Seriously, what's with these books?" Kakashi saw her nodding at the object in his hands when he peeked over. "Why _Icha Icha?_"

A complicated question, really. It was extra intricate if you have to give an explanation to a woman.

"Because _this,_" he paused, certain that she'd know what he was referring to when he waved in the direction of the bedroom, "is what I'm normally like. I mean, if I was normal— If circumstances in my life were normal… if I had a—" Kakashi pushed down his book and sighed. "Nevermind."

"You mean…" Sakura laughed, putting locks of hair behind her ears. The pause extended a little as she mixed the ingredients with the biggest spoon she could find, stirring slowly and blushing hard. The rosiness looked just picturesque on her pale features and he'd always thought they added a sweetness to her beauty, but now that he saw her with wet hair and the dip of her breasts exposed from under the loosely clasped buttons of his shirt, he couldn't possibly compare it to teenage sweetness. At least not anymore.

"Yes, I like sex a lot."

Sakura stopped stirring, her eyes meeting his with a mixture of barely suppressed laughter and genuine surprise at his blunt honesty. He thought she had gotten used to it by now, it's been decades.

"I see." She raised her brows as if explaining more to herself. "I am glad to be your willing catalyst, then."

Kakashi stared at her as her fingers absent-mindedly played with the uppermost button of the shirt, twirling it between her slim fingers and of what has remained of her nail polish glimmered distractingly.

"It's not your fault that I'm— I mean, it is your fault, but-but not in a bad way. Not that there is a bad way." Kakashi stopped, swallowed down and then casually raised the book to his eyes again, giving up on the conversation entirely. Sakura, naturally, burst out laughing, because it was very likely she could see him flushed red with the embarrassment from miles. He followed a couple of lines in the evened out text, but it made no connection with his mind and his eyes kept tracing the words one by one, and listening to the quiet sizzle coming from the pan.

The air filled with a sweet scent and he had to grip the book a little bit harder with the sudden uncalled whiff of all the times he spent eating pancakes all alone. It made his stomach turn unpleasantly and then the darkness pushed through again because it… just happened. For a second time today. It was like he had opened all gates and brought down all defences and everything just freely trespassed and trampled over and pierced through, without him being able to say anything on the matter or object.

Did he have to sit there and pretend that everything was fine? Ignore the gnawing guilt that was missing earlier, but has returned with full force? He might've deserved all this and it felt good, but for how long? How long until he messed up? He always messed up. And people died when he messed up.

Kakashi closed the book sharply and left it on the table a little more forcefully than necessary and Sakura glanced back at him.

"So," there was a little pause that betrayed her intent, she had noticed the tension in him and now tried to cast it away, "you could go on all day and it wouldn't bother you?"

"Can we please stop talking about that already?"

It upset him. That was the right word. It upset him deeply, that she was giving her everything with this pathological selflessness, all of her care, all of her love, all of her body, everything, without asking the same back. It wasn't a fair exchange, but she didn't seem to mind. She didn't open up the issue, didn't seem to _plan _to open it anytime soon, it didn't bother her that he was brought to tears because he was afraid he'd have to face rupture all over again if he's not careful, that he still couldn't believe someone finally cared enough to suffer with and for him and that he's been having the best sex in his life lately because there was finally something beyond savagery in the exchange, there was finally an emotional string tied in-between, and he didn't even tell her _that _much.

It upset him that she didn't expect anything from him and she should've. Maybe if he started sharing little by little… Just try to find some words. To start telling her about this ugly, corrosive guilt in his heart. About how much he used to hate himself, hate stronger than any joy he has felt. About how respect was what he was best at and protect was perfectly doable, and care was not exactly an issue. And about how he wasn't sure how to love back because he amputated _that_ off his being long ago.

"Sakura?"

"Hm?" She was already spreading the mixture in the pan when she turned over her shoulder and her eyes blazed with joy and her lips curved in a big smile. Every time. Every time he called her name. The view stupefied him way more than he had been prepared for and the thoughts in his head evaporated with it. He was going to mention how much he appreciated her presence and her support and reactions and… and how there was a small bluish taint a little further down her neck now that wasn't there yesterday when she came in through the door and… basically, serious things.

"You can come and try to make one," Sakura ignored the lack of response from his side and nodded at the pan with a sort of a mischievous smirk. He had nothing interesting to do anyway, so he surrounded the table and she handed him the ladle.

"You know I've been making myself pancakes since before you were born, right? I am the god of pancakes."

Sakura snorted into a loud, hysterical giggle. She shook her head disapprovingly. "This is the saddest thing I've heard all week and you still found a way to make it sound funny." Then she grew quiet, watching him pour some of the liquid professionally, a shadow passing over her features. She looked up to his face and stared for a while, and he had to meet her eyes at some point because it was getting weird.

"When was the last time someone made you pancakes, huh?" She asked, with a forced cheer to her voice and leaned on the counter.

Kakashi smoothed the creamy substance in a perfect, satisfying circle and smiled. Next to him, Sakura took a deeper breath and exhaled, and he didn't need to look at her to know she had realized she'd hit upon one of the impossible-to-answer questions. It didn't take her long before she was had slipped her hands around his waist and was hugging him tightly.

She didn't say anything in the next minutes, not until he finished and placed their mutually-created pancakes on the table and she had to move away. Sakura took one from the pile and backed away to the counter, where she was content eating it, tearing at it piece by piece, slowly and absently, mostly busy watching _him_ eat. Quietly, on the table, like a normal person. Like all the other times, really. It was nearly alright.

Then her eyes suddenly filled with tears and she chewed on, with this bitter grimace on her features, like she wanted to go on, but she was way too sad to do it. Sakura eventually gave up on the pancake and left it on the empty plate on the table, casually ensconcing on his lap. He didn't stop eating but didn't question her behaviour too. She didn't bother him at all, all she seemed to want was to be close and he welcomed it. There was nothing they could do about that now.

Sakura played with his hair for a while, and then her chakra illuminated faintly and he realized she was healing the red scratches she had left there herself. They were transparent through the thin fabric of his t-shirt. "What were you going to tell me, a few minutes ago? I think I interrupted." Sakura chuckled breathily in his ear and he had to stop eating and close his eyes to it again.

Her timbre was a different kind of soft when she talked with him and he liked it because he was selfish. She had no idea that he spent the entirety of last night awake and staring at her in the dark because he didn't trust his mind and the tricks it sometimes played. Sleep caught up with him not until the sun rose. To his enormous relief, he had no dreams. But then again, he didn't know if he could manage to sleep two hours a day if she was about to spend more nights here. He also didn't see any way he could find to change this state.

It was a permanent fear, embedded into him, like a thin veil, ever since he was five… or six, he didn't quite remember his age. He remembered the feeling. When his father didn't come home. And he thought it's a bad dream, and his father was still gone when he woke up the next day. The torment of anticipation all night long. Then the hopelessness when your expectations don't live up. He really didn't want to wake up to know Sakura was a hallucination of his despairing mind. Or if she had chosen to leave his bed for good, then he wanted to see her do it, not wake up to an empty bed. The fear of it happening was bigger than him. If he had to draw a conclusion, it was that he really didn't need any more of _those_ type of mornings in his life.

When he turned to look at Sakura, she was already teared up herself. "I am loving this day so far," he announced, hands pulling her closer.

Sakura wrapped her hands around his neck and whispered, her breath tingling at his temple, "Tell me what to do to make it better." He clearly was as transparent to her as she had warned him he is for years on end.

"You already did," Kakashi pointed at the plump pile of golden pancakes sitting on his table. "Don't look so gloomy, it was not that long ago when I had pancakes that someone made for me, actually."

"Really?" Sakura laughed through the tears. "You have to tell me about it."

"It was fifteen years ago." Kakashi smiled at the change of her expression after his words, "They were home-made. With chocolate."

Sakura raised a brow. "First of all, fifteen years is a hell of a lot of time. Second, is there a catch I don't get?"

Kakashi laughed at her confusion. "It was a training day," he went on, in this dreamy, narrative tone that clearly started to irritate her. Then her eyes suddenly widened with the memory.

"You better not be lying to me," Sakura breathed out, smacking him on the shoulder. "Are you serious? Me?"

"I'm serious. You brought them from home and all four of us ate that day, I can't believe you don't remember. I think Naruto was about to eat all of mine, but you got angry at him."

Sakura looked fairly amused for a while, biting at her lip with this sparkle in her eye. Then she tilted her head, "You see? My infatuation with you has no limits."

Kakashi looked at her as she shrugged remorselessly and chuckled at the mix of worry and astonishment on his features. Nobody loved like that. Nobody but her. And he really started to think that maybe no other kind of love could survive him anyway.

* * *

_A/N: Thanks for reading! Yeah, I was in the mood, but I planned to add fluff in the next one. Also, I really don't see any other way Kakashi is gonna accept a romantic relationship, except just to suffer through it with fear and caution__, __and pretend he doesn't at all. _


End file.
